Happy New Year!

As 2013 comes to a close, reflections come pouring in like a flood threatening to drown you. What to do? Do you run and take cover in an elevated area or do you brace yourself for impact and prepare to swim in order to float and survive? Both options seems reasonable under the circumstances; both have consequences as risky moves you must make in order to move on.

I used this comparison because for the last week I have seen quite the array of "2014 will bring..." or "2013 has been ..." Should I join my fellow cyberspace neighbors and add one more reflection or do I read long and reflect on my own, while having one of my many conversations with you know who "Upstairs", and simply wish everyone a happy and blessed 2014?

Decision made. I will do both. :) There are certainly a few items on my reflection agenda I must leave inside my own heart and mind. You understand, don't you? I share plenty in this platform, but do respect the fact that the art of discretion, or being discrete, is a gift I received from my family. ;) However, I will indeed write a little something about this incredible year that is coming to an end.

When we closed 2012 ("closed" used literally) chapters in our histories, our stories, they closed like a snap of a ginormous novel when you complete reading the last of its 350 pages. Snap. Shut. Done. Closed. Closing and ending chapters of our stories can be a very good thing. Like goodbyes bringing change and change bringing good byes. We can also say, like the great Mother Superior told Maria (and if you don't immediately know what I am talking about, google it!;)), "when the Lord closes a door, somewhere, HE opens a window." So in fact a year ended, it closed. But a new one began and opened windows, doors, hearts to many unknowns and exciting "what ifs..."

The year 2013 has brought incredible challenges, personal conflicts, misunderstandings that resulted in friendships practically ending, resistance from accepting the unavoidable and real; denial that certain truths are meant to first be respected, then accepted in faith and trust.

This year has also brought about clarity and reassurance, and while circumstances proved to be this way and that, one question constantly appeared: is it worth it? The reason I bring this up is because this year, more than I believe ever before, many of us where faced with the following scenario. There is something we want, someone to see or talk to, a goal to reach, a project to tackle and every time we make an attempt to do it, we are either brushed away, ignored or our hopes and dreams crushed. What to do? Is it worth the rejection and constant hearing of "nos" haunting your mind, or do we just let it go?  Aren't we all faced with situations like these? As the year draws to an end, and 2014 is about to begin, let it begin with a splash. A splash of courage, hope, faith and love. For the courage to look at those very situations were we got nowhere and asses the worth of it. Believe me, some ARE worth persevering, while others, with confidence that you have done EVERYTHING you could, are simply not. The lesson here is that it IS OK to let it be and let it go. It happened for a reason.

With an open heart allowing love, friendship, faith and family to come in, I am standing firm on a few things. My house, my family, my life,  are about love, peace, faith and FUN. Forces opposing these very fundamental principles for happiness will loom, no doubt. Unfortunately for them, they will not be allowed in. Some may sneak in and if they do, we will just have to either shush them away or give them a spoonful of sugar... it will either make them smile or annoy the heck out of them so they will go away on their own. Problem solved. LOL :)

This year has been incredible and the blessings were abundant. An appreciation for the little things has been a gift I had taken for granted. The amount of gorgeous landscapes this world has given us, I saw with new eyes, as well as a sense of awareness of what's in front of me. May 2014 bring you love like a wrecking ball (sorry, I couldn't help it, Miley is in the background :)) and adventure quickly follows. May it open your hearts to all kinds of love and your minds to all kinds of possibilities. May you dream big and work hard to make those dreams come true. May you never take for granted what you see every day, who you love, what you do, because life is precious and too short. May you be at peace with your inner you, as well as your outer and public you. For they both should be one in the same. May you be happy, like we all strive to be. Happy New Year... and may you say BRING IT!

Christmas 2013

A year ago I was in sunny, warm Puerto Rico, enjoying the joy of being with family and friends that only comes accompanied with the drama, like a committed relationship for life. Sound familiar? Ha. It's all about being home for the holidays isn't it. Well, this year, mostly due to ridiculously prized airfares, we stayed in Ohio. Let's not forget the small, tiny it detail that I scheduled the test of my life on December 27. At least Iam focused on that this week, which is helping deal with being homesick.

What a year it has been... and I am so grateful. It has been challenging, especially from the professional side, but as challenges go, bring these on for they are providing more clarity and direction than ever before. Hence, subjecting myself to sitting in front of a computer for 4 hours exposed to having to think about circumferences, percentages and ratios. Math, ugh! ;) At least I own the fact that I "do words, not numbers!" Let's pass this test and apply away. Life has kickstarted again, classes also begin soon and I am on a deadline. The inner nerd speaks!

If I were to summarize this year in one word it would FUN. No, I don't mean the year has all been fun and games, or that everything in life, moving forward should be all about fun... or should it? :) My dearest reality check reminds me occasionally that rule number one is: to have FUN. If you are not having fun why do it. I take this to heart and am working hard to implement it in all I do.

Why can't work be fun? Shouldn't life, while balancing all that comes with it, also be fun? Every day should have something FUN about it. The morning routine, while the kid may drive me up the wall with his need to take 20 minutes to brush his teeth can be fun when he starts singing the theme song to Spongebob Squarepants. I have to laugh! Although, this time of the year he is obsessed with Bing Crosby's "Mele Kalikimaka" -thanks Chevy Chase! LOL

The drive to work can be hysterically funny as I listen to Tu Mañana LIVE and its innapropriate comments and jokes. Sorry, it's gotta be a Puerto Rican thing that morning radio shows ARE suppose to be FUNNY!

Finding the fun in every day life may not be as easy as I make it sound, but actually spending time thinking about it and committing yourself to that quest, will bring at least a smile to your face. I know. I am living it. Truth be told, life's wicked stepsister, insecurity and her best friend, loneliness, loom around and do their best to suck the fun out of everything. Don't let them in. Say, thanks, but no thank you. We have fun in this life. We see fun in the backyard hammock, in the bonfire warming our hearts, in the morning cup of coffee, in the smile on our kids' faces. In how precious life and its most simplest of things are bound to be fun, or at least bring joy to our lives.

For some of us an evening by the shore, looking up and gazing at a starry night is as fun as it is medicinal. It is a retreat, a conversation with the most High. A thank you, in a way, for bringing fun to our lives or all the beauty and love that surrounds us. For others, a empty movie theatre where life's challenges and previous conversations with insecurity and loneliness are forgotten and imagination runs wild. A journey immersed into the abyss of movie magic and storytelling is so much fun, as it is also peaceful and spiritual. A connection of somesort that only few undestand. And, yes, that can be fun.

Christmas is certainly a season that we often forget the fun that comes with the sacred. A baby was born and babies bring joy to our lives. THAT is fun. We decorate a church and set up a manger scene and make memories. That is also fun. We share meals, laughter and dance with friends and loved ones. How fun!

Today, Christmas eve 2013, as homesick as I am and as much as I need bear hugs from the most important people in my life, I plan to have fun.

My wish for you this Christmas is to look for the fun in everything. The rule number one is to have fun, especially in life. Let's have fun and enjoy what we have in our lives, the blessings, the challenges, the lessons, the people. Oh how Iove you all, my people, even if I am not with you.

Note to self: Go home for Christmas next year! ;)

Feliz Navidad a todos. Que Dios los bendiga con solo felicidad y amor.

If I could turn back time... but make TODAY count!

"...If I can find the way, I'd take back those words that hurt you... " No, this is not quote your favorite Cher song moment. However, admit it, you are all humming it now and picturing the skanky, risqué, sequenced, see-through black outfit she wore in the video... Classic! :)

Don't we sometimes wish we could turn back time. Don't we want to be back to the age of 8 this time of the year, sit down and write Santa a letter of all the the toys you want? Don't we wish we could have Christmas morning be as magical as it was then... If I could turn back time.

Perhaps if we could go back to high school we would pay a little more attention to the teacher, listen with more attentive ears to the geometry tutor (that's a whole different blog!) and actually care about how stretching in gym class IS good for you and necessary for your health. I DO regret that one, for my back could use major stretching to re-adjust every morning! I wish I could have also not eaten the extra strawberry i-cee from the school snack bar, because that, along with the chips and the extra Cornuts on the side, only ballooned me to chubby stage that took (and has taken) years to get over: the comments, not the taste of the food. ;) Although I admit, I have not touched a Cornut ever since high school. If I could turn back time.

I had a couple of best friends growing up. We were very close, lived in the same neighborhood. I wish I would have done a better job at keeping in touch. We connected again a few years ago, but, maybe, if I made a little bit more effort, we'd be closer still. If I could turn back time.

If only I could talk to my mother now. She died. She was sick. I was twelve. So many conversations that, even though I feel at times we do indeed have, it is only in my dreams. I should have hugged her more. I should have learned at a very young age to say "I love you" to my loved ones... for this is perhaps one of the most life and soul-saving skills I only developed as an adult. I should have told her I loved her. I never did. If I could turn back time.

I am not perfect. None of us is... but in my quest and obsession to be the good, slightly "perfect" daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, girlfriend, mother, wife, whatever, I forgot to be ME. I have, I think, learned to accept a lot about who people are, others, about myself. I have hurt some of my most beloved partners in crime and I don't mean to... for by trying to be who they want, who they need, I forget to be me. It backfires. I forget how people are complicated and perfectly imperfect, like me, and it's frustrating. I must remember to keep my self in -check. Let, love and accept people are who they are, for what they are and what they bring to this world... what they bring to me. For they compliment me and if it reflects back... WIN.

For many years I felt a bit like things in life were out of my control. Maybe they were. What I have learned recently is that I had been living in some kind of fog, waiting, waiting and waiting some more for someone to clear it for me to get out. In a way, the more I tried to get out I felt stuck. Then, recently, and thanks for a very loud "here we go again!!!" I realized I was treading water, so to speak, or walking in circles, still inside the fog.  When the "here we go again" happened, I chuckled because I couldn't believe it... Seriously, THIS? AGAIN? Carajo!  That's when I looked across the living room and saw an image, two eyes stared back at me in defiance, almost saying "No, you can't, you are stuck." Well, at that moment, I stopped, stretched my back (see, I remembered gym class!), stood up straight and stared right back and said: This is MY life and I am in control.  I can decide when to have a conversation if I need to, but if I need to wait, I will... I can make a decision, carefully and patiently analyzed and not worry about what others will say, if it's the best thing for me (and the kid!),  or decide HOW to react if a reaction is in order as a result of some one's actions.

In this season of Advent... waiting, hoping to celebrate Christmas, my wish for you, my lesson NOW, based on lessons from times past, is to indeed learn and respect from that past, live the present with appreciation for what's in front of you and make your future YOURS!

I wish I could have learned a lot of this years ago... If I could turn back time. At least I can  say I did TODAY!

PS. To my family and loved ones I don't say I LOVE YOU enough, I just did!

A few thoughts from last week...

After a year of monthly, at times, very long 8 day courses in what is described as a MBA certificate program on leadership, I can say it is done. Indeed, a year-long program successfully ended last Thursday. However, it only spring-boarded my mind, thoughts, heart and energy to look ahead, plan ahead and above all, be honest and true to my wants, hopes and dreams, both personally and professionally. And so I will...

I was honored to have had the opportunity to speak on behalf of my Emerging Leader co-hort last Thursday at the graduation reception. I was blessed to have my loved ones with me, including my kiddo, who I hope felt proud of mom's accomplishments.  Below is what I wrote, then read to the attendees.

Enjoy!

 

.....Thank you Brent, Lisa and the rest of the University of Dayton’s Center for Leadership staff. It is truly an honor to stand here in front my co-hort of emerging leaders. Of course we are all here due to the support, faith and generosity of our supervisors, so on behalf to the co-hort, supervisors, I thank you very much for allowing each and everyone of us to participate in this year-long program.

Much appreciation also goes to our mentors who have been sounding boards, supportive, yet challenging and always available to keep us in check when we needed them. Your advice and encouraging words gave us incredible and invaluable perspective as we developed or fine tuned our skills.

Never the less, my deepest, our most heart-felt thanks to our families. Our spouses, partners in crime and in life, who had to deal with us when some days were long and multiple juggling acts had to take center stage. To chuckle and get dinner ready when at times mom or dad also had to get some homework done.

We came together on a cold, gray morning in January and here we are… on a cold gray evening in December. (smile) It sure has gone by fast. From Myers-Briggs, to accounting and finance, management and marketing- how many of us opened a Twitter account because Irene Dickey said it’s not a question anymore, you HAVE to be o Twitter. Our colleagues and peers, bosses and mentors embarked on this journey with us, whether they wanted to or not and for that we are grateful.

I think, I hope, we are better employees, supervisors, mentors, professionals, leaders, better people, now than in January. On a personal note, and in attempt to eloquently and appropriately represent my fellow emerging leaders, I can only describe this experience as transformative. I am certainly not the same person I was when we first began this journey together. Dare I say none of us is. We now are roughly 20 plus strong. We shared personal and professional stories, frustrations and successes. We have built community within the professional leadership community.

When we first met, we were strangers. Now, we may not be sending each other Christmas cards... or will we? Now, we are colleagues, we are resources. Maybe, we are friends. Some of us perhaps interacted with others in passing. When we next meet up in the hallway, around the corner, across campus, we can honestly say we have something unique in common: we were part of the EL co-hort for 2013. I’d like to think we also have each other's backs, for I know in my heart and mind that if I need the latest technology being researched at UDRI, I have Tim or Bang to hook me up! If I need an in with scoop at the DOD, that’s Department of Defense, I can call any of my new peers from the base. There are many more examples we can discuss but the point is that they are only possible to share because we have shared in this gift of meeting, learning, thinking, problem solving, strategizing, dreaming... hoping. Believing in what others believed was/is IN us, our leadership skills. Believing in ourselves and what our ultimate mission is.

​

As we now conclude the adventure that has been the emerging leader program and prepare to experience our reentry into our work lives with a keen sense of who we are, or at least the feeling that a match was lit and the fire in our hearts now burns with such intensity and power so we believe that we indeed are the best version of ourselves, we say, bring it!

Thank you to the many who again enabled us to be here, to our facilitators and teachers who have planted many seeds in our hearts and minds, seeds that will be fed and nourished to grow and become the strong branches of trees, trees that will bring shade when it's too hot and fruit to feed others, trees with deep roots that keep us grounded, while standing tall. May we remember to manage our energy so that we can better manage our time. May we remember to celebrate the small wins, so that they may contribute to the positive influence we inspire in others. May we also remember to celebrate what’s right in the world because celebrating what’s right in the world will give us the energy to fix what’s wrong...

 Lesson learned in all of this, my friends, is that it is never too late to keep yourself "in check" and making the necessary adjustments to be a better "whatever." I have a feeling you will feel empowered and confident to be not just the best version of yourself in the world, but FOR the world.

I am, therefore a read, write and teach.

You can hold your own in front of a crowd, while conveying a message that speaks to your soul as well as to your audience. You can connect with others better than some. No, you are not better, you are just better at this and that specifically.

You can write and take the written word and use it for good, only good, and not to hurt. The words you pen are like breaths taken from your own insides. They are part of you, they are your heart, your mind, your contribution to always commit to make the world a better place. What? How? Simple. By using them to do good, for good and only to convey messages of love, support, encouragement and even with a tiny bit of toughness, your words people listen to... What a change-agent one can be by using the written word to do good, not bad.

You ask questions. Your thrist for knowledge and you nourish the voice inside you that always, always kept nudging you for MORE (whatever that more was and is), you listen. You open the books and read.  Open the pages end embark on your own one ticket to Hogwarts, the Island of Misfit Toys, Avonlea or Avalon. You learn new words, spells, magic words that can cure and mend a broken heart. You soak up as much information you can.

Then you realize that you have also lived. You have lived here and there and gone through this and that. You have a story to tell. Will people listen? Well, I think depends on how you convey your message. Is your story similar to mine? Can your story help me understand my journey? Face challenges? Come to peace with events from the past...

When thoughts like these run through your mind constantly you can't help but wonder if all these questions are being answered, will they be answered, should they be? When? I'd like to think, yes of course, why not. What do you do with all of this? Yes, more questions.

Well, I'd like to take the bold approach and dare to answer the question, at least from my own perspective. What do I do with all of "this" that represents who I am and what I do? Yes, I do my job and I do it well, but I think I can sum it all up with a better plan. I teach.

I realized, what I was calling "presenting", after years of standing in front of a group telling stories about college and the adventures high school students could embark on by enrolling, was teaching. I was teaching how to apply for school, how to navigate a complex, often overwhelming process, how to ask questions. The eyes, staring back at me, sometimes in awe, more often in freight. I could only try to chisel through and make a compelling argument for a slight hint of  hope of getting through, and with some kind of hook, keep them interested.  Breakthrough!

Fast forward to a classroom full of boys, sixteen year old boys, to be exact.  When teaching To Kill A Mockingbird,  pride is the only word I can use to describe the excitment, genuine and thought provoking,  questions and arguments made by the boys.  "Teacher, they want to kill an innocent man, it's not right." Another student wrote a proposal arguingn that the novel become mandatory reading for 1st year law students to discuss race and ethics.

Another time I broke a little bit of the rules-oops, NOT!- and dared to introduce an American playwright, famous for riské semi - autobiographical work. My students got it, they appreciated the maturity and respect I expected from them. They saw literature from a different perspective, it was life, it was real. The author could have been any of them. They thanked me. Breath....

And so, to sum up this rather random reflection,  like the very question I asked my students, I ask... what's the point?  The point, my faithful, enablers of my wordy, but passionate, rambling, I am a teacher. I may not teach now, but I will. There are stories to tell,  minds to pick with the latest and greatest of thoughts, books to read, novels, papers, essays to write. I am a teacher. I teach about the ups and downs of the mystical world that is known as Academia. It is a magical land, whose habitants grow and develop with the assistance of creatures that push, push and push so hard, the residents of Academia lose balance on ocassion.  However, with that very challenging push, comes a cushy, comfy giant pillow of support. You can do this, we say! How great it is when indeed they can.

I teach... and I can't wait to prepare for the next opportunity to teach,  whenever that may come...

Today....

Last year's post on my forthcoming 38th birthday was pretty good, according to my readers, including quoting Carrie Bradshaw! "Your 30s are for the lessons" and boy, have I learned mine.

I have been 39 years old for almost a week now... My, how time flies. :)

Since the last year of the decade for yours truly to be known as a "thirtysomething" has kicked into gear I will write the obligatory, and hopefully, meaningful reflection. However, it will not without its fare share of mixed emotions as I think back at all the events of the year's past.

After nursing a few wounds that only those of us, that rare and unique species known as "phenomenal women, single mom's that can kick Wonder Woman' ass any day because we have been put down, emotionally abused and crushed, yet we find the inner strength to get OURSELVES up, by ourselves, for ourselves and our kids and dare to move on" understand, I realized one important lesson: there is life after "whatever."

For a minute there I felt the post turning sad and negative. Ummmm, NO! Negative thoughts, feelings, words, are not in my core. True, I'll have a bad day, we all do. We all have unfortunate close encounters of the nasty kind when we are faced with dealing with lovely folks that can only see ugly. Poor souls. Think about it, we are all tempted, sometimes stalked by loneliness, insecurity and sadness. So what... we are human, we feel. Bad comes with the good, and yes, good comes with the bad.

Well, shooooo, go away! We have one thing in our favor: choice. I know it's harder for some than others, but let's choose to pick our battles, our words, our actions. Boy, have I had to walk away from projectile vomiting (sorry for the visual! ;)) words expressing exactly what I am feeling when addressed in a hurtful, allegedly unintentional way. Haven't we all had to? I think, yes. Walking away is often the best way to put an end to "whatever"  and then consider for one moment the open canvas of possibilities in life after "whatever." I liked my odds! And you what, it starts today...

Today I woke up and after making the huge mistake of checking my email only to respond with a lough UGH upon reading a specific message, I said to myself: only Colbie Callait can help me this morning. I turned on Pandora and wouldn't you know it but "Think Good Thoughts" came on. It is a lovely song that should perhaps be played every morning for eternity. I closed my eyes and listened.

Today we admit the daily grind can be a pain in the ass, right? Universally, I believe that the best way to get through the "stuff" that may turn our skies from sunny to cloudy is to focus on something good. Let's keep it simple, folks, I am not planning to change your life with this entry.

Today, I smiled because my anti-wrinkle cream is working! Hey, for someone who is pushing 40 this is HUGE!! LOL

Today I smiled because I looked at my calendar and had a meeting to debrief strategies on ways to engage alumni in China--I know, I am a nerd, but this makes me happy!

Today I am excited because my son plays Geppetto in the local community center's rendition of Pinnocchio. Hey, that's a big role! This kid loves to ad lib, though. Who knows what may come out of Geppetto's mouth, but I can't wait! :)

Today, I heard a guitar strum over the phone played by a boy who makes me laugh!

Today, I give thanks for my family, who challenges me as much as it loves me, although I feel at times they love me a little too much. ;)

Today I pray for my friend, whose husband is very ill and they begin a very steep, uphill battle to "whatever." Let's keep those prayers coming, everyone.

Today, my wish for you all is that you do what so many are doing, pick and CHOOSE one little thing that makes you smile, that brings you joy. It will make TODAY even more special than any birthday you celebrate...for it's today, a regular today and not an excuse for "whatever." Every day is precious, make today count.

Nature calls...

I close my eyes... Crack, shush, whizzzzz, is what I hear. I am not doing justice to the sound of dusk as it comes comfortably accompanied by gusts of wind on a chilly October night. It is the eve of all Hallows, October 31, 2013, or as some of us classic movie geeks will refer to as “Neewollah.” Google 1956 films and you’ll get this trivia clue.

Sitting on the deck, outside a log cabin in the middle-Ohio hills, smelling the fire burning right behind me, yet waiting for the rain to cease so the bonfire outside can be lit, I am thankful. I am also remembering.

Winter of 1994 came with a bang.  During what was recorded as one of the coldest February’s in Dayton, this college sophomore, after surviving a heart-break, made a decision. For most of the summer I was going to be a camp counselor in the Shenandoah Valley, Virginia. Those who knew me wondered in bewilderment, for I had never gone to camp as a kid, nor was known as the “outdoorsy” type. Just ask my father or my aunt if you don’t believe me.  So, there I was with no real desire to “go home” to the beach, my family or friends. I wanted to do something different. 

Was I certified as a lifeguard? No.  Had I ever gone camping, overnight,in the woods? No. Would I have ever considered rock-climbing ? Do you really know me? :) Still, I said, yes.

Camp Horizons was a one hour drive from D.C., off highway 81. That summer I learned to really, truly, and clearly, listen to nature... Every morning, the early walk to the man building from the cabins allowed for the birds to sing to me. The sunshine peaking through the woods heating up the wet ground constantly reminded me to lighten up and be ok with wet toes. :)

Something happened to me that summer. I connected with God in a very spiritual way and it was all due to the beauty of nature I witnessed. The mountains, the lake, the trails, the stars at night painting the darkness with what only can be described as a Pollock type stroke. That summer I learned to appreciate being outside, to sleep by a fire, to stare at the sky...until I fell asleep.

On an unusually chilly July morning, the task at hand was to learn to climb a tree, go on a few ropes that connected tree branch to tree branch, so one could then climb onto a platform very high above us. Did I say I had to climb a tree??  Once on the platform I had to walk on the ropes, one foot in front of the next, so on and so forth. When I reached the next tree I had to climb to another platform and from then unhook my harness from the ropes to a zip line and let go... I zipped line my way to the bottom of the hill in the most exhilarating moment I can only describe as “I think I can fly!”

Summer ‘94 lead to summer ’95. I was a skilled counselor and instead of a 2 day hike, went on 4 and 5 day hikes. Our crew hiked, climbed rocks together, sang together and even hid from a black bear together. The kids loved it; adults even more! My fellow counselors, from near and far, became some of the most treasured friends I still keep in touch with.

Those summers in the Shenandoah Valley, in Harrisonburg, Virginia, after hiked part of the internationally known Appalachian Trail, I also learned to look at myself in a more natural way. T’was the first time I purposely wore no make-up for 2 months and actually said out loud words along the lines of “I don’t care how I look.” Now those of you who know me, understand that I do indeed care about how I look. I take care of myself, work out, and eat well- for the most part. However, the superficial “stress” of having to put “on a face,” a slab of make-up in order to look “better” or “prettier” was gone. I was cool with how I looked, with who I was.

Here’s the point of this entry: I had forgotten. So fifteen years ago, or so, I had a lovely, very close encounter of the nature kind, but I forgot all about it. I forgot how it felt. I forgot how that experience helped me a year later give a talk at a retreat for my friends and classmates. It was my first retreat talk and it was all about finding God in nature... how I found God in nature. How could I have forgotten?

Well, life happened. Careers happen, family happens and a city life happened with not much motivation to remember. For one that had a transformative experience, amnesia happened and I forgot it all...

Thanks to the nudge to explore again, to hike and to be in commune with the Divine Creator, suddenly, I remembered.

Last week I hiked to Old Man’s Cave, in Hocking Hills, Ohio. Or is it “the” Hocking Hills? I am not sure. All I know is that I couldn’t decide if the scenery was magnificent or majestic. Special, beautiful and well preserved it was. It was the last week in October and the fall foliage was at its peak. The reds, oranges, yellows were bright and stayed true to their form beating the browns in order to stick around a little longer. The greens are still out but only for a few more weeks before Old Man Winter comes to knock most of the color down, yet hopefully, bring us crisp, sunny, yet cold days were white snow covers all.

The falls broke silence as the water hit the rocks and splashed on the ground. The air was humid, yet we trekked along. Uphill, downhill, hiking along, the beauty of the hills was breathtaking. Thank you, I kept saying... thank you, I kept praying.

Our adventure came to a close when we exposed my 11 year old son to the great outdoors. Four hours of what we described as “hard core” hiking and the kid only said “on ward” with his walking stick, leading the way. He couldn’t have said it best: “Today was exhausting, but it was awesome!” Stopping once for a snack consisting of bananas, almonds, granola bars and crackers, this kid was a champion.

This entry is a love note to the hills, the trails and the trees we hugged, we have climbed and to the sky we have admired both in daylight and at night. It is for the bonfires and the smell of smoke on our clothes, in our hair (LOL!) and for the smore’s we still need to make!

I thank the heartbreak experienced in February of 1994, for it brought me to nature and it taught me how to make a steak and potato hobo meal in the fire. :)

This note is also in thanksgiving for the beauty of our land, whatever land you call yours, be it the ocean or the mountains. May we get out more often and literally take time to smell the flowers.

ADDENDUM: March, 2014. It's been 3 months since this post. I went hiking last Saturday. It was a gorgeous day and the kid and I savoured every minute of it. Lesson learned here is that I allowed these memories to disappear at the time when they seemed pointless in my life and no one respected they were mine. My memories, my experience and my life. I stress and invite others to take the time to remember... Remember a transformative experience, a summer job, a book you read, a movie that changed your life. Hold on to it. Don't forget it happened, especially if it mean so much and shaped who you are as a person, a faith-filled person as I continue to strive to be every day.

Goodbyes bring change, change brings goodbye- part deux!

Almost a year ago I began this journey of the epistolary kind... For years, I didn't know what to do with all the thoughts in my head, all the experienced lived, all the perspective gained. Now, I write it out and am blessed that so many can either relate or learn from what I whole-heartedly share.

One of my most popular posts was "Goodbyes bring change, change brings goodbyes." Almost a year later, I come full circle..

Maybe we don't realize this, but as time passes us by, each minute, each moment, "things" end. When we get up in the morning, our rest time ends and we must face a new day. When we get ready, our prep time ends, then when we go to work, our commute ends. Events, experiences happen to us and they end. All things, like life, I guess, have an ending of some sort. Now, before you think I am taking a tone much contradictory to my usual positive one focused on the ending of all basic life experiences in our days, bare with me and think again.

Meetings end (thank goodness!;)), projects end, relationships and responsibilities (unless you are a parent, like some of us) end. However, what I have appreciated the most is not the terminal notion of all things ending, wait for it... Actually, nor the fact that pain, too, ends- (thank goodness, again!) and at a given time, that is the best thing to happen. The best part of the ending is in my opinion the processing, the whys, the hows, the whens... the understanding of that very ending as part of life's journey. Why did that relationship end? When did I realize that I was done with carrying that grudge? How did I not see the signs pointing to the forthcoming end of this project and what would that "end" bring? Food for thought, right?

So, now what? What do you do with these questions? What do you do with these endings? I hope you can do what I have done... After the mourning of the loss of "whatever"---OK, so I don't necessarily mourn the daily loss of my daily commute, but I sure don't like pulling into the parking lot and have to turn off my music--- I pause and take a deep breath and accept. I accept, albeit not voluntarily at times, that things are different; the very ending ended. That's it. Deal with it. Suck it up.

Aha! But wait, something new will come next. After years of wondering what changed in the friendship with one of my gal pals, I realized that because I had gone through a divorce, an ending of my own, she too struggled with "what to do with me" and how to deal with that ending. Ha! Funny, how we go through something like that, a big break-up, a move, and don't even think twice how it could affect some people. Not that other people should influence your decisions. That is not my point, but the consequences of our decisions do indeed affect others, at different levels, but they do.

When a co-worker and I had a misunderstanding our relationship was affected. Something did end, but we were able to learn from it. While things are not the same, the newness of how to handle whatever comes next, we are ready. That process of "ending" and accepting, has helped move us forward.

In a nutshell, endings or "goodbyes" do bring change and change does indeed bring goodbyes. A change in jobs means the daily routine is different, so goodbye daily trips to the coffee machine at 3 p.m. Goodbye to my favorite group of people, retreat planners and youth ministers, so change came in my weekly email exchanges and focus on time zones. It's OK. It's part of life.

With each ending, comes a new beginning. With a goodbye, a new hello. With a heart-break, newly found strength  you didn't know you had. With the end of loneliness, a new heart full of love and hope.

May each of you find the newness and the fresh start of everything that ENDS in your life. I just did.

Tell me what you want, exactly what you want!

Some of us operate in "big picture" mode. We are macro, we think out of the box while connecting the dots. We sometimes do pay attention to detail, but it's because it is clearly defined and part of a set process and procedure. It supports the big picture. The details are part of the journey in order to reach the bigger goal...

We are global minded and focus on how what we are doing affects and impacts the goals, mission and vision of whatever.  We have faith. We believe that a conversation is an investment and the fruits of that investment take time to grow and be nourished. We are team players. We need to be, if not we fail.

We are leaders and empower others to lead with us. Why? Because we collectively believe in the task at hand. The task, you may ask, can be daunting. Indeed. Why take it on with a pessimistic outlook and pretend one person can take it on by themselves and then put others down when the task proves to be challenging?

In attempting to make sense at how some of us, individuals who thrive in a structured environment, may seem to contradict the very essence of what being "big picture" means, I will keep it very simple.

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT!

I work with volunteers. I recruit, train and manage them. I am Ms. Big Picture. Our goal is XXX and I have had to learn, in various, different adorations of my career development to be as detailed as possible. Oh, not for my sake, but for them. When you manage a group of people, be it a retreat team, a planning committee, a fundraising group, may I offer a word of advice: be as clear and specific as possible. If you need X, then make sure those who you expect X to come from, know that if you add A and B you'll get C and that will lead to X, eventually. Give deadlines, set expectations.
                                                  Sigh.......  PAUSE for exhaustion.

Yes, it's exhausting! Why? Because it is not in my nature to create all things detailed. I am a creative extrovert, that while flirting with the introvert in me, often desperately miss the back to back appointments, classes (taken and taught) and structured daily schedule. Don't get me wrong, I would die without variety and the occasional change in routine. What I am saying is that our fantastic, creative mind needs to be anchored in structured. The structure is the anchor, the stability.

So, in conclusion, and as my friends have learned sometimes in very comical ways as one that is thinking big and planning ahead, when you need me, tell me what you want, exactly what you want. I promise to drop what I am doing to focus on that. Give me a deadline. I need it! I love to work under pressure... hahaha... I know, I know. Go ahead and roll your eyes. I tell you what, if you sell me your proyect and need something specific from me and I am on board, we both win! Give me a project with a vision and a structure I will run with it. But please, as I have to learn to do with working with others, be specific and tell me what you want. My colleagues, friends and team members I have worked with, appreciate it from me... and I NEED it from you all. :)

Plot twist!

I recently saw a posting from Elizabeth Gilbert's Facebook page that said: "When something in your life goes wrong, stop and yell "PLOT TWIST"and move on!"

Elizabeth Gilbert, for those who don't recognize the name, is the best selling author of "Eat, Pray, Love" and if you know me well, I have shared with you how much that very novel eerily mirrored a very low point in my life. At the same time, Liz' story echoed and helped me channel feelings, thoughts and experiences I was living myself. When describing how much this book changed my outlook on life, a relative said to me that "it was the most selfish novel she had ever read", put it down and didn't even finish it. My question: Is it selfish to examine your life at a crossroads and make what at the time is the best decision to get out of an unhealthy environment? Then, for once in my life, call me selfish.

This is not an ode to Liz Gilbert's writing, life-changing a-ha moment in Shangri-La. This is about how we are constantly faced with situations, challenges, hurdles, in essence, life. Life happens. If it didn't, we'd be dead, right? Duh... ;) So, I take a moment, to again, reflect on the last few days.

As long as I can remember I have been complimented with having a positive outlook on life. I look up and again insist on God (yeah, YOU!) having a pretty twisted sense of humor. ;) OK, I'll bite. I am always seeing, and if it doesn't come easy, I dig, dig and keep digging, until I find the positive in a situation. I cry, I run and burn my loud PUERTO RICAN sprinkled anger, but I get over it so quick sometimes I surprise myself.

I work hard, really hard, too hard and that at times is not good. When you don't see certain elements of your job as simply a job and more as part of your life, you have to be careful. I am learning that. Balance is everything. Not easy, but necessary. What I have experienced on the professional front is more along the lines of "been there, done that, now what?" I also look at gaining skills and experience as more of an asset than a sense of complacency. So, been there, done that, bring me more. Plot twist! I am not the only one, certainly not the first educated educator to explore new ways to do good work, to find creative and innovative means to share message, nurture a relationship, get a kid excited about school. Been there, done that. Let's do it again!

When I was about nine or ten I used to take old, huge WorldBook encyclopedia books and read them. After a while, for some reason I would go find a piece of paper and a pencil and would transcribe everything I had read. I would copy what was already written. Don't ask me why, I just enjoyed doing it. I enjoyed the feeling of writing. Holding the pencil and tracing on the sheet. Fast forward and I heard over and over again I am not good enough; good enough about this and certainly not good enough about that. That pretty much crushed quite a few goals and dreams. Wait for it.... Plot twist!

When I got off the phone after sharing my sympathy and pain with a cousin whose mother had died, my head was going to explode. I sat down in front of the computer and began to write. I didn't stop for almost 6 hours. I submitted what I believed was a short story to a colleague, English professor, for him to just humor me. His feedback: this is not a short story, it's a novel. You can write, make it work. Plot twist indeed! It only took 15 years, but I finally heard what I needed to hear in order to hesitantly take this skill, gift, talent, whatever this is, and appreciate it, embrace it. More than anything, I learned not to be AFRAID to use it, share it, do it, express it. Feedback or no feedback. Been there, done that, give me more!

People can be rude, mean, hurtful. That's unfortunate, but it's real. I mean, we all need people like this in our lives at least for the occasional clinching sensation of nails on a chalkboard, right? If not, life can be boring and who wants that. At least we get some writing material or at least a bit of comic relief... ;) Smile, I am keeping it light, cool? I say this because the plot twist may be necessary at times when dealing with a difficult person. I listen, respect, don't talk back, respect, respect and did I say respect? If that does not work something has to give, something has to change and if I am still standing there, talking to a wall, guess what? Plot twist!

No lecture here... just a reflection on memories, dreams, hopes and wants at times when things may not have made much sense. Moral of the story, life Dr. Webber, on his death bed told us last week during the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy: You have one life to live, how are you going to live it. Decide to live, to love. Decide. Feel, cry, laugh, get angry and run like hell to burn off steam. Love with all your heart and if you must, CHANGE, because it only proves we are indeed ALIVE. I guess we should be thankful in my at-times annoyingly positive, supportive tone...and if somethings in life go wrong, stop and yell PLOT TWIST and move on!

One of these things is not like the others... ?

It seems that as I get older the wheels in my head (not the bus) go round and round more each day.
It seems that the clarity and perspective I now see things with reminds me every day I am alive, awake, aware.

The last few weeks have certainly been full of challenges, blessings, celebrations of love and life better described as the sad and unfortunate, but long-waited passing of a beloved relative. For the last few weeks, the day to day has taught me lessons of patience, risk, trust and perseverance.

While every day, be it at work or at home, a need to focus on the priorities, the pecking order, the immediate needs take center stage. Here comes part of the challenge...Well, what if you, like me, are programmed to be able to juggle more than one ball in the air; to compartmentalize each area or item on your "to do" list and get to them at the appropriate time they merit. What if you are really good at more than one thing. What if you can be known, not just for your skills, but for the experience, expertise and way on conveying a message... What if you can listen attentively during a meeting as the presenter is pitching an idea you already connected the very idea to two or more possible links in order to support it or benefit from it? What if you are a connector and very precise in connecting dots for the betterment an organization??

What if you try to juggle too many balls in the air and suddenly you look to the left as someone said "squirrel!" and all balls fall to the ground. Ah! You got distracted. You dropped the ball, literally. Well, that happens.

I reflect on these questions and the statement that one of these things is not like the others because I have recently been challenged with, not just finding a balance in priorities, but to make sense of those very priorities, when at the same time and to the outsider looking in, all look equally important. How do you determine the pecking order. How do you determine if they are all "big picture" or "little picture"?

Today during a lunch conversation a colleague and I discussed priorities, but more than anything, common sense. Ha! At times it seems that common sense ends up as the last kid to get picked to play for a team and almost does not make the cut of how to prioritize. Basically, the advice we gave each other, in full-blown, but unintentionally Latino support, was to take look at all items on our "to do lists" and check off one by one, those things we can do TODAY that we both know are important.
Then, use common sense to arrange the items we know will take more time and resources, more man power and more collaboration. Those items are big picture and ideally, common sense has a role to play.

A wise and loving man said to me recently, as he listened to my rant about challenges I was facing having to let go of projects I am passionate about. He said "take nail and hammer it to the wall, then hang that problem on it... and walk away," more or else. It sounds better in Spanish "ponlo en un clavo y déjalo ahí." He believes God (yes, hi up there! ;)) will do a little surveying of his own and decide if what's hanging from the nail is worth staying there, hopefully, adding to the aesthetics of your life, like a pretty painting decorating your home. Perhaps what's hanging from the nail is not worth your time and does not add anything of value to your work, especially, your life. In other words, let it go and if it's mean to be, it will come back, it will happen. And yes, it will take time, so be patient.

So, one of these things is not like the others.... Meh, I guess not, but that's OK. Balancing work, life, family and friends is not easy. One of these things is not as important as others and we must put them in some sort of a pecking order??? Then again, why can't they??? I will keep trying to balance as much as I can (with patience, practice and perseverance) and do my best not to drop any of the balls flying above me, yet understanding that indeed it is OK if I can't do everything, all of the time. But as hard as it may be, darn it, I won't give up my passions and WILL try to balance as much as I can.

The two "Ls": labels and love.

The two Ls, labels and love...

You might recognize the phrase as one of the very first lines in "Sex and the City"- the first movie, please, for the sequel leaves something to be said. So, disappointing.

Anyway, this entry is in no way shape of form, neither an ode to Carrie Bradshaw, as much as I could quote her on a daily basis, nor about the two "Ls" she describes. My labels and love combination is far nerdier than hip, more intense that light-hearted (although I will try my best to indeed, keep it light- do you not know me? ;)) and certainly more appropriate for the world inhabited by those of us plagued with actually loving what we do and what career path we have chosen.  Shhhh, so, some of us chose the road less traveled, but to quote my favorite graduate from Dartmouth, not Dr. Seuss, but Robert Frost, it made all the difference.

In the movie, Carrie's Ls, labels and love, refer to the kind of labels many of us ladies (and quite a few gents I know!) are fluent in, Kors, Mizrahi, Gucci, Coach; the kind of labels that represent a look, a personality, some would say, a certain level of sophistication and of style. I do love those labels, but truly, for me they stand more for allowing some of us to be more in tune with the three Ps: poise, professional and put-together. Plug for the many style-icons in my family that enabled my educational metamorphosis into a labels savvy gal.

Carrie also describes the other L, love as the one we tend to generally default to: romantic love. The combination of emotions, thoughts, feelings and experiences when we fall in love are both exhilarating as they are nauseating. Don't we love it. The pain that comes with being in love, finding love, nurturing love, losing love, we desire in a sick and purely masochistic way. Ha! Bring it on, right?

Well, again, permit me to explain and clarify that the labels and the love I am feeling most animated about tonight, are not quite the same.

I am a woman, a daughter, a mother-less daughter, a mother-less mother, divorced, college educated. I am Puerto Rican, Spanish speaker,  English teacher, self-proclaimed expert on useless movie trivia from the 1930s until now. I have such and such titles and responsibilities at work. I am known as the go-to person to write prayers on the spot. I am this and I am that. I have labels that define me.

Labels are placed on people, as the Coach bag is handed to the woman who carries it well, strutting her strut around and sending a message. Confidence? Maybe. Fear? Could be. The label on her bag adds to the label that IS her. Good? Bad? Think about it...

Labels are frowned upon by many individuals who don't like the label they were either born with, or received upon reaching a certain stage or age in their lives. What's the point, I used to ask my students, of all of this?? Well, I have recently come to a realization and until I was challenged with having to examine my own labels, I had not appreciate the power they could have. Labels send a message, which could be good, bad, indifferent. Let's shoot for good, shall we? THAT is the power of the label.

Love. As passionate as I am about everything related to "loving" this, that, this person, that place, my "love" doujour is the love of vocation. Talk about true love. No, I am not zoning in vocation in the religious life way, but the holistic and true meaning of the word: a God-given gift and calling. My vocation is to be an educator. A ha! Is that a label? Stay with me! :)

When speaking about love, about true love, is it to describe a deep and profound feeling of joy, often mixed in with a dash of pain, but overall, life-filling and life-saving. That type of love is what I am talking about and how it can be difficult to explain, let alone articulate, when you are talking about in the context of what you do for a living. This is not meant to be saying in simple terms, I love my job. This is more than that. What I am trying to convey is that very sense of fulfillment in what you do. That just like a long, committed loving relationship at times, experiences challenges and heartaches, disappointments and frustrations. The catch is you stick it through. You weather the storm, you renew your commitment, because you believe you are doing what you are doing for a reason bigger than you. You love it.

We all have labels that make us unique, perfectly imperfect human beings that have a choice. We ca either choose to use our label as a crutch or strut our stuff and take our labels out for a spin in the road less traveled that may make a difference. Embracing our labels make us proud of what we have to bring to "the table", at work, at home, on the field, for the team. Each label comes with a history, a story, a perspective. We should not let the label hinder our successes or get in the way of our dreams, especially if it will negatively affect what we love, who we love. And guess what, having many labels is a good thing. I wish some people would see that.

Labels and love go together. Whether you get the knock off label at a certain time in your life, that's OK. Don't get hung up on the superficial meaning of the label, but of the true value and intention of what the label has to offer... Yes, yes, you all know what I a talking about. Our labels define us and add to the passion of the LOVEs, the vocation we so love because it also defines who we are, the place we love to work at because of the value, skills and talents, our label, brings to the bigger goals; to the person we so deeply love who supports and cheers for us in gray and gloomy days when not even the brightest label can make us smile.

Labels and love go together... Having a firm grip on recognizing the real label from the occasional knock off (DISCLAIMER, if I could get my hands on the Michael Kors knock off I bought in China, but left in the taxi, I would- lol!!), will help us perhaps define better what it is we truly love. This is a round-about way of saying, knowing first who you are will surely help guide you in life as you define your passions, likes and dislikes, loves of your life. :)

I am this and I am that... those are my labels and they make me who I am, and who I am is the person that deeply and truly loves her vocation, her label as educator. I shout out (embracing my label of loud and life-lovin Puerto Rican!) my label of loving what I do and what I work for...

Love your label, label your love.

Risk is a 4 letter word

Working in an environment of higher learning provides for opportunities to ask questions. Actually, asking questions is encouraged. We seek to find new knowledge and to beat the shit (pardon my academically modest- not!- expression) out of old knowledge in order to educate the future of our communities; we attempt to mesh (not so well at times), old and new. Why mesh old and new?? To bring perspective and new light to this and that in order to enhance and be reminded of that very tradition some feel has to be overprotected, like hovering parents of the millennial generation-no offense.;)

We also, or better yet, should think outside of the box a little bit more often than we do. Now that's a bit of a challenge in the book-worming, scholarly, world of academia. By walking down the dusty halls of old research, we find, we hear a voice whispering in our ear sweet nothings of the likes of "tweet this" and "Instagram that" using the latest technology. "I am sorry, what? I don't tweet my lectures, I speak out loud and give my lectures to an audience full of students that on a good day are partially awake and attentive at 2:00 p.m.," I can almost hear my professor saying.

Change, embrace it we must, spoken in my finest Yoda-like voice. I am one that respects history, enjoys traditions and like routine. Who doesn't? However, even the most deeply-rooted structures, processes and procedures in an operation, could use a tweak here and there. Sure, you might think, if it's not "broke, don't fix it", but if the same ol' same ol, is indeed the same ol' same ol, guess what? Something is broken after all. What's broken? Energy, enthusiasm, vision, passions and goals for the future. All of that is broken. Dreams are broken. Hopes and tangible initiatives are broken. The desire to be better than today, better than the status quo, is broken. A little piece of me is broken.

I pick on technology and higher education simply because, in my experience, colleges and universities, have had no choice but to embrace change when it comes to new technologies. Lectures are being "teleconferenced in" and students are being recruited via Facebook. To that, I say bring it, no matter how resistant I am to tweeting... Lord, I refuse to tweet. :) That's the world now, I have to keep up.

However, without staying too high in the stratosphere of academia looking at the mere mortals down below, change can and should also be embraced by operations down home. Ah, yes, front liners. Our friends and colleagues who have the day to day interaction with everybody and use everybody. com to engage in conversations and build relationships. Maybe the "Harlem Shake" video that went viral on Youtube was not such a bad idea when the ladies that work in the registration office filmed it. Students loved it, no matter how many other eyes rolled! An operation and simple in-place procedure got a nice tweak and breathed a bit of fresh air.. an air of change.

Some other operations could probably use a kick in the you know what as well. Without picking on any in particular, my point here is to say the following on behalf of a fundamental pillar of tradition in education and in faith, I have been formed in: READ THE SIGNS OF THE TIMES AND ADAPT TO CHANGE. This statement came from a visionary French monk, who today would be almost as old as Yoda, and certainly just as wise. He knew current structures and ways of "doing" had to change. He knew something had to be done.

Why can't some of our leaders, supervisors, middle managers, friends, and family see that if the world is telling you something, if the message is loud and clear that something's gotta give, then GIVE!



Carajo!--yes, expletive in Spanish sounds so much more convincing!-- an organization that survives and thrives on relationships should embrace every tangible and strategic way to build on these relationships, acknowledge and appreciate old ones and reach to new heights to create new ones. Strategy is necessary, but you know what? Sometimes, risk is the best strategy. Taking risks is just that, risky. With risk, disaster may come, let's be real. Can we consider the other option? A re-birthing and re-lighting of fiery energy, passion and enthusiasm that was broken with our friend "same ol same ol" may also come with risk. Risk includes faith and having faith in that vision for the future, that if it's truly worth pursuing, is the best way to honor the tradition and the history of years past.

Learn from our past to embrace and look to the future. Let's continue to mesh old with new. Isn't that how life evolves? Let's continue asking these questions in settings of higher learning. Let's consider, the inconsiderable... Let's change things up a bit.

Change is hard. I know it personally, professionally and yes, it sucks--see blog entry on change-- but it is what makes life interesting. It may make our jobs a bit harder, it can make us nervous. Can we consider whatever changes need to come from all perspectives, the emotional, physical, etc.? Can we find the tools to adequately prepare for change. The right words to convey a message with dignity and respect? I think yes. I think it's worth a shot.

Xie Xie Ni, China, xie xie.

How does one begin to explain and express thoughts, opinions, feelings, pre-conceived notions about a culture, country, lifestyle. Allow me to attempt what for those of us who have been blessed with opportunities to travel, befriend, love and live immersed in a culture not our own, is at times difficult; for by sharing our experiences, in the hopes to educate and just that, to share with the world our lives, often are mistaken for boasting and gloating.
Oh, how untrue that is. For what we (this breed I have previously referenced in this blog), birds of a feather with the extra suitcase packed just in case, love to do is study, learn, appreciate, respect and share. Study cultures and languages, appreciate those inhabitants of countries not our own, respect customs and traditions and share with everyone else in order to educate. That's what we are all about. It's not about us an individuals, folks, it's about this wonderful, big, yet small world we live in. Sharing it one Facebook post or email, or text message at a time. Sharing one smile, one hug, one dinner and even business meeting, at a time. This is also a my favorite hobby: building relationships.

Exactly a week ago, at the same hour, at this very moment, I sat in Terminal C at Chicago O'Hare airport. Now, I can certainly write a separate entry on my experiences at O'Hare, including a most unfortunately memorable feeling of a fever coming on route, Chicago to Denver in 97. I arrived delayed and woke up the next morning covered in chicken pox. Thank you O'Hare, I am reminded every day when I look in the mirror.

Sorry- tangent! A week ago I was a tired and dehydrated, not dreading the chicken pox in Chicago, but having just landed after a 14.5 hours flight from Shanghai. Yes, I was returning home to Dayton from my Chinese work trip, my first Chinese adventure.

I was invited to join others from the university to celebrate the anniversary of our operations in Suzhou. A year ago the opening of an institute that many believe to be another campus, a degree -granting branch, or simply classrooms teaching students and some adults. The truth is it is not necessarily the above, but so much more. The institute, proudly showing off our university name and Catholic-inspired cross logo, is a place where new knowledge is created. But more of that in a minute...

I flew to Shanghai after much chagrin from those skeptics who unknowingly judged the reason why I would want to go "all the way to China. It's so different. It's so far." Because I have to and why not, were the two things that immediately came to mind. I have to because it is important for our university international relations, our alumni and our perceptions to educate the world about why we, a Catholic university, would want to set up shop in a communist country. DISCLAIMER: I am no expert in Chinese culture, especially politics and religion. All I know is that relationships are HUGE there. Education, economic, cultural and professional development is enhanced and nourished based on the relationships built between one person and another, between one organization and the next and even government officials and civilians. Yes, there are standards, there is protocol. There are rules and there is tradition. There is respect and their is a keen thirst for knowledge, new technologies and ways to improve the world. Sounds like most of the same values the university holds true.  Just for this, I was curious to see for myself.

As I arrived in Shanghai, after enjoying a lovely cocktail of eight movies on the plane... I read a little, but didn't sleep. So... eight movies of about 1.2 to 2 hrs each, you do the math. Long flight.

Mind you, I have been to several countries in Europe, Mexico, Canada, hundreds of treks in the air from my lovely home-home in Puerto Rico to my other home in the USA. This was the first time I had traveled so far by myself, not speaking the language, not really knowing what to expect. To that, I said "bring it!" Boy, did it get brought on! ;)

The people couldn't have been friendlier, helpful and hospitable. I was a guest in their home and they would take care of me--May I be as hospitable the next time I have guests visiting in Dayton, or in Puerto Rico. Any hint of fear of the unknown was gone. My hearing sharpened, as I recalled a month in Germany, where by the end of my stay I could carry a very brief, yet appreciated conversation with my host families and my mates from Deutschland! I tried to pick up the tones, ah, the tones. Ni hao means hello... But I quickly saw that the HAO is not like HAO, I am Tonto from the Lone Ranger, but more like Nee-hah, with a slight and very short hint of the "O" at the end. Ufffff, took me a couple of days to say it as natural as I believed. What do I know... I needed to let my new Chinese friends be the judge of that.

By day five I was able to read a short, but meaningful sentence to alumni over dinner and while I stumbled over the word for alumni association, I was told, they got the point. More than anything, they appreciated the fact I had taken the time and was interested in addressing them in their own language. All I could think of was "why not, isn't that what you are suppose to do when you visit a different country and want to learn about a different culture?" I was born speaking a different language and by choosing to study and live in a country not my own, I had to learn. There, simple.

Again, I am certainly not an expert and certainly not a well-read Chinese cultural scholar, but this is what I saw. In a period of two hours and while driving from Shanghai to Suzhou, I saw more apartment and condo complexes that I thought could ever be built. There are so many people living there, it is overwhelming. At first I thought Shanghai was like New York city. Cool, OK. Then it kept going and going, going and going. There are roughly 23 million people living there, and I believe it is growing. The skyscrapers are among the tallest in the worlds, the economic boom is envied and the contrast from city of the future, draped in western-style neon signs, and old country Pagodas overlooking market squares where entry ways are bravely protected by stone dragons, I was in awe.
--I even learned, thanks to one of my esteemed colleagues who served as the best tour guide, that there are usually two dragons protecting each entry way to a store, a house, a temple. One dragon is a mama dragon, with its paw placed on the head of a baby dragon, protecting it as much as the entry assigned to her. On the other side of the entry way, papa dragon also holds vigil, attentive to his post. Both loyal and committed to their protective duties, the pair of dragons look on and stare back at the thousands and thousands of locals and tourists who walk by.

The markets kept going and going. Rows and rows of kiosks overflowing with jade Buddhas, pearl necklaces, Chinese painting sets and if you are lucky your own knock-off Michael Kors tote, latest edition. Bargaining and negotiating is an art I am proud to say I almost mastered. Once I got used to calculating the change from US dollar to Chinese RMB I engaged in pretty animated conversations with the sellers in order to get a good deal for my souvenirs. At the end, I smiled. I could do this again.

Where you would find your hot dog or hot pretzel cart, you'd find dumplings. Home-made, steamed, pork and crab meat-filled dumplings. One word: yum! You'd also find other items on the menu that I will not dwell too much on. Truth be told, I stepped out of my own comfort zone as a self-proclaimed bad islander. I don't east fish. I don't like fish. I ate some fish and actually liked it. I confess. :)

Back to the Institute, for I am now their publicly proclaimed number one fan. Our offices provide a venue where product design and development, innovative technologies and problem solving, in a team setting takes place. New and renewable energy initiatives are developed and discussed. Problems in manufacturing industries are solved. All of this in the spirit of how to make our world a better place to live in. All this available and accessible to our students and corporate partners, who then hire our students because of the quality of their work. This is exciting. This is what we do in China and this is amazing to be a part of. And for those familiar to where the China Institute, the city is called Suzhou Industrial Park, and by industrial park I don't mean your 30 building, semis parked in the back, industrial park. SIP is a city with a population of 2 million people and government officials that support our initiatives. For that, we are grateful.

Our university was for many years the best kept secret in the Mid-West, in the world Catholic higher education. We are an international organization and the research, development and scholarly work that is done, builds bridges of learning, of cultural understanding and in faith, provides opportunities for our students to serve communities, near and far with the skills and knowledge they have developed. Other institutions of higher learning may say they do the same thing. Maybe they do. That's OK. We are intentional about the relationships we build, the scholar work taking place inside and out of our classrooms and the opportunities to serve and think of others, of our communities before ourselves. That is the mark our students leave in this world. What we want them to experience in Ohio, in China.

I could go on for another two or three entries. I have certainly not done justice to capture all the scents, conversations, eye-contacts, beauties at a museum and gardens, that I lived over a period of six days in China. It is impossible to tell the story of the twenty five alumni who joined us for dinner and asked how "Professor So and So" is; alumni who said they get together at least once a week because at UD they became best friends. I am not doing this fascinating country and culture justice. All my heart and my head, and in this case my hands (quickly typing away!), compel me to do is tell the story as best as I can and more than anything, invite others to give it the benefit of the doubt. I, we, must invite others to give different cultures and countries the benefit of the doubt before casting judgement. You'd be surprised. I sure was. So, for now if I know you and we are friends, hit me up and I will be the first one to say, GO to China. You will love it.

May Buddha bless and be with everyone with peace, and abundant joy. Xie xie ni means thank you. Xie xie means just thanks... Xie xie ni, China. Xie Xie. I hope to go back some day.

A festival is a festival is a festival... or is it?

Dayton, Ohio, July 2013.

Every summer, as long as I can remember, there is a surge of cultural festivals in the great Gem City, Dayton. Who knew. While this post is not meant to be a homage to my adoptive hometown, no one can deny the fact that there are so many cultures represented here, and you know what, they are celebrated!

Dayton, while being credited as the birthplace of aviation, "cuna de la aviacion" and the home of the famous folks of the likes of Erma Bombeck, from May through September, becomes our own free pass to the United Nations. The International Festival, World A'fair, kicks off the season over at the convention center. Some of us had an annual date to, not only have the carnitas from the Mexican booth, but to make sure the Puerto Rico and the Cuba booths, were supplied with enough arroz con pollo and rum to last a lifetime. Y la musica... yes, the music, the dancing. That is what festival weekends in Dayton were made for!

Admittedly, and reluctant to own it, I have been absent from these laugh, dance and music fests for a number of years. Why you ask? Life got in the way, I guess. Work, ups and downs, mommy duties, you name it. Every excuse in the book, too: "No, I don't feel like it. By myself? Nah, no thanks. Yada yada yada."

Friday I got a text from my friend Jennifer... "We are heading down to the Celtic Festival if you want to meet us."  After a short week of work, yet in full recuperating mode from perhaps the best 48+ hr trip home to Puerto Rico, I said heck yeah! Why not, I had no plans and staying home alone was certainly not going to be added.

The Celtic Festival in Dayton is huge! I can't remember the last time I went, but as soon as I walked down to Riverscape, memories rushed back. Good times, good times. With Jenn and Tony, kilt-wearing dudes sporting their SLAINTE shirts, I order my Guinness-like "light" beer and join in the reel! We danced, we sang, we even did an Irish polka and pretended to be featured in the middle of the "bottle dance" from Fiddler on the Roof when arms locked in unison. Let's dance!

Hundreds of miles away, in Palmas del Mar, Puerto Rico, a Jazz festival also shoot fireworks. Good friends, family and a home made fire pit, helped loved ones made new memories. I was in Dayton, they were in Puerto Rico. Thank you technology, for throughout the weekend some of us were able to share our memories with those with us in spirit, in music, in love and in our cell phones. ;)

Festivals are huge block parties. Open spaces were food and drinks are shared, good music is hummed to, or danced to, or out of tune-sung to! ;) Who cares. Festivals are fun and I missed that.
This weekend I wished I had certain someones with me to share these memories with, but I am grateful for the new memories I was able to make here.

A festival may be just a festival. During this weekend, not only I embraced my inner Irish lass, (LOL!), but I re-connected with a good friend that I don't get to hang out with often, that I don't see a lot and miss often. This festival served as a reunion and I am grateful.

May we have more festivals like this... I hear the Hispanic one is better than it was a few years ago! Vamos a bailar! Let's celebrate our cultures, our heritages, their cultures, their heritages, and most important, the cities that welcome all and make is all happen.

Someone...

When you grow up surrounded by what some may not define as the healthiest balance of love and tragedy, certain people stick out. There are those who are around you, living and breathing your every word, every step, every misstep you take. There are those who wipe your tears when your heart is broken, when your mom dies. There are those who laugh with you... not AT you, but always, ALWAYS, with you. That same laughter is as loud and as contagious a bad cold waiting for its germs to spread- sorry, you get the point. :)

Yes, there are those individuals, who individually have each of these qualities, or have played a specific role in your life. However, some people are all of this. Someone comes along into your life and it is just that... part of your life. In good times and bad times, in laughter and tears, in family reunions and sad funerals. At weddings and baptisms, and Mother's day (hello, cordero en salsa de pera!!! Jajaja) or at the classic, not-so-white Christmasy tradition of pig roasting on a stick, while drinking "CHEMPEIN PLIS" or at my personal favorite while living in exile, Don Q and Diet Coke, someone is there. Who-one? Someone.

That someone is one person. If you are blessed and lucky in life, you have a someone. You have a person. That someone is my aunt. That perfectly, imperfect balance of tragedy and bliss, she embodies. From premature deaths of loved ones, to premature weddings and premature babies, we cried. From premature crushes, mis-adventures and adventures in babysitting, we laughed! And we are still laughing!!!! :) Thank God, we are still laughing and the laughter outweighs the tears.

When a someone is able to look you in the eye and tell it like it is, it hurts. It sucks... THANK GOD it happens at the appropriate time and moment when you  (I!) need it the most. She is also the someone that wants us all to love her just the way she is... Don't we all want that?! Yes, we do. We are just afraid to admit it at times. She helps be my anchor, my biggest fan and often a bad critic. Again, an imperfectly, perfect balance.

She is that someone. Like the many someones each of us have that represent great memories of lives lived past, let's be thankful for that someone that at some point of another has left a mark forever imprinted in our hearts.

Having said that, there are different kinds of someones... The someone who is your buddy at school, your confidant, and even the barista at Starbucks who knows that at any moment you will order your grande, non-fat, peppermint mocha. She is my someone. Or even the bartender at my "Cheers" who has the bottle of Michelob Ultra waiting at my table by the time I arrive. He is that kind of someone.

Sometimes, suddenly and without warning, you meet a new someone. This time around, this someone is the one that looks into your eyes, actually feeling the penetrating look (it's true, trust me!) as it looks into your soul. This is the someone who stays up with you all night, talking, laughing, just being. This someone just makes you smile. Makes yourt heart smile. A new someone, unexpected. A new someone, welcomed. Open your heart and let many someones in.

May your life be filled with the many someones who make you happy, who cry with you and will forever hold your hands in friendship, family and love.

Look up and smile!

I turn Pandora on to my Michael Buble station and Jason Mraz's "Living in the Moment" starts playing. What an appropriate song on this very day, at the precise time; this moment. I am living in the moment that is today, that is now.

For those of you  who can speak "youth ministry" or any ministry for that matter, including your daily job, role as a parent, CEO, whatever...--OK, OK, maybe I am stretching it-- you can appreciate the term "be here now." I include our mundane daily tasks in the same category as ministry (and why not?!) because if you closely look at the definition of the word ministry you might be surprised. My favorite definition (brought to you by your friends at Webster) is "the act of serving; ministration; one that serves as a means; an instrumentality."

The act of serving... ahh, I get it. Instrumentality. We are an instrument. Of what, you ask? Well, I for one am pretty sure to be an instrument to facilitate conversations around issues in higher education and access, the need for leadership development in our youth and the impacts that has in a school's culture and of sharing this awesome thing, often difficult to explain, that is the charism; this ministry.

My friends are instruments of change, of motivation, of love, and they do it all by being loyal and faithful to their vocation. Their vocation, their ministry is in the classroom, in photography, as a science teacher, a chaplain, a youth minister. They know their mission, their role in this world, in this world and how it beautifully and intentionally touches everyone they encounter for the betterment of this world. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true.

My team, and yes, it's MY team and I am proud of each and every gift and talent they bring to the entity that is TEAM. The collective energy, passion and commitment to build community among these adults who give their time to help shape the spiritual development of hormonal teenagers is admirable. It's also equally as fascinating as it is terrifying. I mean, c'mon, we are talking about 16-17 year olds. Can you say DRAMA. ;) You know what, we love it.

With a hodge podge of personalities ranging from a high energy extrovert, a quiet, yet hilarious planner, plus a mom-type so full of love you just want to cry in her arms when levels of stress hit all-time highs, we are one. Add to that years of tradition and an overarching feeling, a presence of the most holy watching all over us. A force that lives and breaths inside these walls. Are you there God, it's me Jess and we are at LIFE? We are getting ready for the adults to learn the program so we can then teach the kids. We are ready and we thank you for being here with us. We feel it, we know You are here.

In other words, we are here now. We are here, physically, spiritually and it is manifesting in our ministry.

Here's the thing, this is all very bitter-sweet for me, for I am on my last summer retreat as a coordinator. How to describe what ten days of prayer, community building and spiritual development for adults and teenagers, have meant to me and change my life, forget it. We'll need a bottle... or two! ;) It has been too important in my own faith journey, as active and progressively fluid, it has been an anchor. This experience has held me down, anchored my beliefs and helped guide me to the light in times of the blackest darkness in life. LIFE saved my life, I have often said. It also "sucked" the life out of me, jokingly confessing.  I have been lucky. I have been blessed.

One of my co-workers once told me a story (and I think I wrote about it once before) about sometimes looking up at the sky and for as moment, pauses and smiles. I too, often look up. Whether it's a cloudy sky, or as blue as the "Bonnie Blue" flag (GWTW reference, thank you very much! ;)), I smile.  I say thank you. I chuckle and feel like I am getting winked at. I look up and smile because I got a little wink from heaven. ;)  Thanks, G., I know you are there. I know you are listening. Thank you for letting me your instrument and allowing me to do your work.

Now... to what life, not LIFE, will bring after July 20, 2013, I say... bring it! ;)

An extra suitcase packed -part deux!

Travel, travel, how I love to travel.

For months and months I have complained that I don't travel (especially for work) as often as I used to. Man, do I miss recruiting season---show me a former college admission professional that often doesn't feel the same way---! I may be in the minority, however strongly, I refuse to believe that.

We are not a common breed, although there are lots of us out there. We are like birds, born to fly, or in other words, explorers, lovers of people and places, and cultures and the WORLD beyond our own backyard. It is so hard to explain to the likes of those who have not experienced it, and by all means, do I not want to cast judgement, nor I invite it upon me. But those of us who experience certain life-altering rites of passage, like riding on 10 hours bus rides across the Swiss Alps, signing up for bus dates to Hays, Kansas---flies and cows, Cast C96? ;)--- or intentionally and sanely (that's questionable, though) saying yes to live out of a suitcase for about a year, we are different. Yes, here I am again, regressing back to my life after college experience of a lifetime, becoming a member of the Up With People community!

Folks, sorry, it's like a cult. LOL! It's the kind of cult that embraces the sorts that speak different languages, dance different steps, love without words, befriend other in every possible way that enables each member to be him/herself and that is OK. This program is about the world, ONE world that we all belong to; a beautifully complex tapestry of colors, races, accents and two-steps! ;) By celebrating our differences, we become stronger. By embracing our common human hunger for peace through conversation, especially, through music, we are one! Yeah, this is my kind of cult. LOL Sign me up!

Blessed with career opportunities that have allowed me to always keep a somewhat packed suitcase ready, just in case, I am preparing for the next adventure in visa land. Back in 1997, I remember saying "I never thought I would ever say I am going to Poland." I went to Poland. It changed my life. I now recall saying "China? Why would I want to go to China?" I am going to China!

While it is certainly premature to blog about "what is to come" I anticipate the entry that will be after August 12. For now, I long for, in thanksgiving, the opportunity to represent the university in a culture somewhat foreign to me, but not to my colleagues, and be a vehicle for cross-cultural conversations, relationship building and future partnerships in projects, as well as in mission. My newly- discovered interest in the Far East has only just begun. Stay tuned.

Yes, this entry is quite specific, but it will apply and hopefully, resonate with all you birds out there, who thrive on booking flights and soaring high. The world is indeed a wonderful, colorful, complicated quilt and each square represents a quality, language and tradition from each section of the globe. The quilt exists for the sole purpose of keeping us warm. You and me, under the quilt warming up, thanks to its hugs, laughter, multiple ways of saying Danke or Skoll! We all may not need a quilt like this, but boy, try it. If you haven't, get yourself a quilt like this, patched together by hands that milked cows in the USA, made poutine in Montreal, skied in Switzerland or drank from the local brew in Bavaria. I promise, you will yearn for one when the winter blues hit home.

Dating (insert expletive here)!

I've dreaded and dreaded blogging specifically about a certain topics. They range from immediate family relationships, i,e. mother-daughter and its challenges and blessings, single-motherhood, divorce... there's quite the list I can still tackle, so stay tuned.

After the last few weeks I decided to jump in and hit one of them right in the face. Rest assure, no matter how this particular entry may sound or feel to the reader, I will do my best to add the comedic angles, for truth be told, this is all funnier than it looks.

My best friends will say if you ask them, it's about damn time you started dating, Jess. Well, it's easier said than done, right? Ummm, yeah. You don't just wake up one day and say, OK world, I want to date you. Child, please! ;)

Pause for confessional: I have a very bad habit of always wanting what I often can't have. Call it being determined, goal-oriented. Whatever! It all boils down to having bad taste... or at least for the unavailable and/or overly committed.  Gee, I guess that's what I get after years of learning how to tune out the fluff and NOISE in my head, I finally listened to my gut, heart and head and figured out what I really want. Even better, I know what I don't want. Even when I was little, I was the last one to get with the trends... The Hello Kitty pencil box came about a year after the other 1st graders had it. That's OK, no complaints. Moral of the story? Better late than never. :)

Dating sucks! Or at least it may suck for the poor fellas that have not yet had the pleasure of meeting me and spending hopeful, (to some) quality time over a deliciously brewed cup of Joe at the 'bucks. Ok, ok, newsflash in case you didn't get it by now, I have officially started dating. Ugh... ;) It probably took the much needed lecture from my aunt-mother who somehow managed to teleport an imaginary mirror and hold it straight to my face. "You are too picky, you are too serious and and you need to lighten up... and you are too much like..." That did it! Nothing like a little reality check to keep you "in check" and shake things up a bit. Bottom line, I am picky, and I am serious and I don't want to end up alone. Hey, don't blame me for poor decisions, for believing and falling, for getting my heart broken and having no choice but to build walls high up. A wall higher than the beanstalk growing up passed the clouds, housing the castle where Jack's giant has the golden goose. Yes, my walls are THAT high! ;)

STOP. Let's not be too overly melodramatic, even though it's a genetic condition very prominent in my family. ;) Point is I am slowly and carefully chiseling (is that even a word??!) through the wall and are now open to the possibilities. Help us all...

Ha! That brings me to the telling of the tales of dating for me, a no-nonsense mom with a pretty cool (shout out from me to me!) personality, a brain, a zest for knowledge, for culture, for education, spirituality... for MORE to life than what is in front me. Let's now add the poor souls that in writing had somewhat of a decent repertoire of qualities that looked compatible. What then comes out is me with a slight twitch of the eye in baffled amazement when these individuals come clean with the likes of "well, I didn't really go to college, I dropped out" or "um, I am actually married"- GASP! The best one yet "I am not really divorced because I never married the mother of my kids." Seriously, God. This is your grandiose plan for me?! ^(*&(^*$%%#$#%**)_ SMH!  LOL

Ok, ok, let's be real here. It may take time, yes. Tic toc away, my dear clock, but remember my overwhelming fear of expiring by the time I am 40. Yikes, it's getting close. Just kiddin' (no, not really, but therapy helps!), it's all good. Life indeed is good. I can't complain about much and if I do, you have permission to call me out on it.  I have a handsome son; the best thing that came out of the worse decision I ever made and I wouldn't have it any other way.  The work environment I am blessed to be in is part of my being and my vocation and I wouldn't have it any other way. My friends are my life-line, my heart and my soul and I wouldn't have it any other way. My family made me who I am and I wouldn't have it any other way. My personal life, well, that's the part I wouldn't mind tweaking and would indeed like to have things be another way. For that, I have to wait a bit, I guess. One day at a time, I am told and remember, for the impatient chica in me, that is the challenge.

I wish you could see me as I write this, for I am in a very good space and by no means expressing myself from a negative, sad place. Life is good, indeed it is. It would just be a little bit better if I could hang out with the likes of the tall, nerdy looking intellectuals, who are as funny as they are smart, like sports (basketball/baseball preferably, football if I must..!) and challenge me as much as they support, encourage and love me, just the way I am. He is out there, right, God? I know he is. Tic toc! ;)

Smile!

Pigeon hold...send me to the Far Pavillions, please.

I can't quite recall the precise moment when I made perhaps the most important decision of my life: I would go to college in the USA, and not stay in Puerto Rico. Was I ten, fourteen? I don't know, I can't remember. What I do remember is that there was  no question about it. Some how, some day I would experience a "real" college experience, along with plaid skirts and cardigans (generously provided by dad during my fall visit to the future campus of my dreams...).

CAVEAT-- I use the word "real" when I described college just now, not from an academic or career preparedness point of view, for Puerto Rico has an exceptional higher educational system. I am speaking from the perspective that at the time, all I knew about Puerto Rico's universities was that you commuted and lived at home. Yup, pretty much that is all I knew, other than the lines to register were ridiculously long and from one corner of campus, they sent my cousin Sandra to the other, and again, there and back. I was 13 or so, and remember going along for the ride. Pretty much that afternoon I realized where I did NOT want to go. I wanted to live in a dorm, to walk to class and occasionally engage in an impromptu snowball fight. That to me, the 12-13 yr old at the time, was college. Again... it's my perspective at the time, so chill before you cast judgement. ;)

We all have our own opinions, perspectives from which we see things, experience life. At times the perspective is so myopic it blinds you and trumps any hint of long-term hopes, dreams, expectations. At times you have to get away and see things from the outside, looking in. Even, vice versa, being far away too long can leave you disengaged, unattached, disenchanted. Where I am going with this related to something I have experienced since I came to Dayton for college, lived in Ohio for 15 years before moving back home, and back in the US after roughly 18 months.

And here I thought with time all things fall into place. Well, hello, little girl, wake up and smell the Starbucks. As a student from Puerto Rico, in a predominantly white (never mind the mere fact that I grew up WHITE until I moved to Ohio, but that's another blog, and it will be a good and long one!) mid western university, I embraced every ounce of "Americanness" I can witness... However, I spoke Spanish with my roommate, meet my other friends from PR at 6 p.m. every night for dinner and you could almost see the imaginary "SPANISH ONLY" sign glowing above our heads like a theatre marquee on Broadway. Ahhh, finally, a break. Headache gone, now back to work, back to English.

Many of you know the rest of the story. Got my degree in English, traveled for two years with 300 of my closest friends and made memories that last a lifetime. Then, came back to Ohio. The career that eventually became my true vocation: higher education, awareness and access to it, even challenged and welcomed me with a new concept: to experience what it meant to be pigeon hold. Pigeon what?? Oh I think I eventually got it. You are a pigeon and you are in a cage and/or are allowed to move in very small spaces, or even ignored. I learned that from my African American friends who would say they never want to be that, the "token" Black this and Black that. I got it, but I hadn't really experienced it.

One day I was told I was doing this and doing that simply because I was Hispanic. Excuse, me, what? I wasn't asked, I wasn't considered, there was no question. I was the token Hispanic, so that was my job. Ok, no, no negative sentiments here, I am merely trying to tell a story, my story from this unique cultural point of view- the self-imposed bi-cultural one. I was not dropped in the great Miami River my mistake. I chose to live here, I choose to live here; this is home. Of course, life comes with its complications  and with people who have opinions, not similar to our own. Ok. I am cool. However, the way I saw my being Hispanic and automatically being "labeled" as the advocate, tended to be more than the usual, to justify certain behaviors, status quo, some people might say stereotype. Why, because you are Hispanic. Hell no!

If you want to see my Hispanic or Latina (whatever you want to call IT) "passion", in other words, fury or anger, politely and passive-aggressively disguised in disappointment, ask me to perpetuate the stereotypes. I refuse. And with this, I arrive at the main point of this long (sorry, gots lots in my mind) entry... I challenge status quo, I respect the rules, processes and procedures. I am goal-oriented and take a lot of things seriously, especially, as a result of life experiences. For this and many other attributes that make me who I am, to some, I am not as Puerto Rican as I should be. I am not bashing my culture. I am simply frustrated that throughout the years, people only believe being from Puerto Rico only rests in partying, drinking, being loud, eating good food. Yes, of course we have some of that, some more than others. The truth is, we are so much more.

Being from Puerto Rico means we are fully bilingual AND multicultural, we may come from an island but we see with global perspectives. We enjoy life, yes we do, but it's because we work very hard to gain respect, support our families and too, have the American dream, whatever that may mean to each person individually.

Still, the pigeon is getting antsy and needs to get out of the cage. So what does she do? She learns new skills, escapes and flys away. She easily adapts to new surroundings. Ah, but she is not from there, truly she is not really from her adoptive home. It's like she doesn't fit in... but in her heart she knows she does.

I always, always, always fought the notion of clicks. And boy, did it get me in trouble every time I didn't "join in" and sat with the cool kids. Talk about being pigeon hold. Yea, that's what happens when you don't want to sit with the cool kids at the lunch table. Pigeon had to fly in the opposite direction; the one of vision for the future, of hope and opportunity.

Here's the funny fact about all of this... I don't want to get pigeon hold, but if something comes up remotely related to where I am from, who I am culturally and how I relate to the culture that raised me and made me who I am, emotions are going to fly and they will fly in all different directions--haha, like pigeon! No, no pun intended. How many of you out there are there?? I am sure there's lots of you that feel the same. You are the expert, or so called expert in your culture, well, duh, because it's YOURS. But, don't stereotype and assume we are all the same or that I am going to condone certain expectations and behaviors that are simply wrong, just because of Mr. So and So's beliefs of my culture is the only one he sees. I will tell you the truth; I have been telling you the truth, Mr. So and So, you just don't like to hear it.

So, what's the point? I thought time would heal the somewhat superficial wounds of questions like "what is your true self?"  In Puerto Rico I have been too gringa, in the States I have been Puerto Rican only by demand and not my merit. The truth is, some of those wounds are not so superficial, but deep cuts made over over 10 years ago that still provoke sobs and tears to stream down my face.

I recently watched a fascinating mini-series from the 1980's called "The Far Pavilions" about a young British boy raised in India by his Indian nanny after his parents are killed. For eleven years he believed he was Indian. He was sent back to England when his adoptive mother died and there he stayed until he became a soldier. He was stationed now in India. Ashton, or Ashok, related so well to the Indians he was constantly questioning British rule, colonization, abuse of human rights. He questioned his Indian self, his English self, in search of his true self. He prayed to the mountains, the Far Pavilions and eventually chose his true self, and stayed in India.

I guess this was more of a confessional... Yes, I am Puerto Rican and it is who I am, where I am from and what made me the person that eventually chose to live in this country, in this culture, embrace it and relate to it. I do love living here. I am the best of both worlds and it's not easy. Actually, it sucks at times. At least I have my own Far Pavillion to look out to and pray to... my chapel, my blue dome. That is where I am my true self.