"I am who I am and I will never change..." Ummm, yes you have! :) But, that's OK.

When it comes to friends, or friendships, I have found it fascinating to see how time changes, YES, changes those very friends and friendships. 

We are told that people never change. They are who they are and we have to accept it as fact. OK, I get that and totally understand how certain aspects of who a person is, will never change. But you know what, my friends, with time... people do change. I have seen it. And guess what, with time, newsflash: I have changed too! And, I like it. 

It is a natural part of a person's evolution and development as he/she grows to literally, outgrow habits, likes and dislikes, people. Of course. You grow up and honestly, if the 40 yr old still plays with the Barbie, we can't help but shake our heads, and wonder. However, what I am trying to find the right words to express, in a very general, yet personal way, how people change with time, and that's OK. 

So, if it's OK, why is it that some of us may not be thrilled with the changes we are witnessing in others? Ah, that's a good question. 

Exhibit A: Colleague and mentor, a person I respected and even admired at one point, after I went through a very personal and sad life event, changed how she treated me. It's been 10 years... and it has taken that long for me to accept the change in her. After discerning and processing my own personal and life change I learned to let go of the questioning "what did I do?, why is she so different?" 

Exhibit B: Mentor-type friend who invited me to "sit in" the grow ups table at committees, projects, have a voice and be a "go-to" whenever there was a need. After a while I was exhausted, physically, emotionally, even spiritually. I couldn't give it my all and I was failing miserably at everything, even at home. NO MáS. With a heavy heart I started to scale back, and to utter words hardly ever heard coming from my mouth: NO.  It did not go well.  All of a sudden, I was not included in gatherings, stripped of mailing lists, and well, not made to feel welcome when I walked into certain rooms. 

Exhibit C, D and E: Family and friends who, as time progressed and I grew up, had new experiences, lived in different places, and began to see life from new perspectives, acted differently towards me. Again...why? Again, what did I do wrong for them to treat me so indifferently and often times, mean spirited? Why would someone have a deep love for a culture and a country during certain years of his life, yet now spew negative thoughts and feelings towards it. See, something happened. That person has changed. 

On the blessed occasions, and I call them blessed -as I felt a strength in voice when I was able to express how I felt- because talking it out with the necessary individuals, only lead to either clearing up a misunderstanding or them avoiding the question or subject whatsoever. 

Newsflash: It's OK.  People can change how they treat others because of what they are seeing, what they are perceiving  or for whatever reason they themselves have, that created that change. Everyone is entitled to feel what they feel, own their thoughts and actions. I am OK with that. 

Here's the best part.  My change has been the best thing that could have happened to all those people. My change came when I no longer cared about how they were acting, what they were saying and what they were doing. It really is their problem, not mine. I am no longer exhausted, but at peace. I am no longer disappointed in what I did or didn't do to "deserve" being treated differently. I am no longer afraid to say NO. Au contraire... I am saying yes, again, but only while I can maintain a healthy balance of mind, body and soul. I am not over-stressed with worry and anxiety reacting to unnecessary drama. I listen and observe. Sometimes I declare it's drama- free day and go on a self -imposed retreat, shut the world out for self-care and to spend time with me, my faith and my God. And you, well-intentioned you, sorry, you were also left out. Don't take it personal, it's not about you. ;) 

With all this talk about change, should state that has not and will not change. I have NOT changed my morals, my values, my beliefs, but have re-aligned my priorities to be the best person I can be. Today. Call me tomorrow and I'll say the same thing. ;) 

I have changed and I like it. Throughout all of this, my faith has been my one constant presence. Always steady, present and non-judgmental. Actually, just like a handful of people (which I can count with one hand), who NEVER did change in the progression of witnessing my own changing. 

They are with me and have been with me (friends and family) pushing along, cheering along the sidelines, ready to embrace the good change that has taken place inside me. For that, I am eternally, grateful. 

I have changed and I like it. Even if some of you don't quite see the change, trust me, I am a better person for it. For those who did change, and dare I say, our relationship will never be as it used to be, it's OK. I miss some friends and they way the friendship was. They are still around, but things are not and will never be the same. It's OK. You and I have a life to live and with respect, we move on and embrace our own journeys. Maybe our paths cross again, maybe they won't. It's OK.  

What's the point? People change, that's all. That's OK. You change, I change. That is part of the development of a human being and the coming into each of his/her own. 

A word of caution, just because we are who we are and we have reached some new sense of awareness of self, doesn't mean it gives us any right to use that to impose our thoughts and beliefs unto others. 'just saying. Acceptance of others' thoughts,opinions and believes is the best way you can change, if you are looking to make a tweak... is it easy, of course not. But, with time, people change, yes, they do. I know it! And that's OK. 

My Puertoricanness is getting in the way of the Gringolicious environment I am in...

To start or not to start with a disclaimer.. that is the question.

Ok, here it is, just to play it safe. :) DISCLAIMER: Anything written in this blog is 100% bias, from my own perspective, based on what I have seen, lived and learned from. Do I have a choice? It's what life has taught me and what my contribution to this world is, based on who I am as God's creation, just like everyone else living and breathing in our lovely planet. I write with the outmost respect and appreciation for the gifts and blessings my family has recieved.

Skeptics will take the title of the post and have a field day... boasting confidently how they "always knew it," how a person who is from a different culture, country and speaks a different language can never assimilate fully to an adopted land. Well, for many years I have proved them wrong. Or have I?

Previous posts have highlighted my upbrining in San Juan, Puerto Rico. While family life highs and lows made for a "not so typical" childhood, my goal was always to take who I was, my culture and take it further from what seemed the norm. To want more than that was expected and NOT to give in to stereotypes. I also faught tooth and nail NOT to be pigeon hold or the "token" Latina in my newly found home. I had something to prove. Puerto Ricans are hard working, passionate, loud, yes, very loud, life-loving, food and drink obsessed, colorful people. We are different, we are special. THAT had been minimzed to a mere side-show of the occassional salsa song played by the DJ at a co-worker's wedding. My dance partner and I were entertainment, and we were good at it.

Problem no. 1. What if the entertainment actually wanted to discuss current political issues, global affairs in government or the economy? WHAT? What do you know about that? And while politics are never a "light" topic, I do my best to lighten up the load. 

Again, I am simply telling a story... stay cool. I did my polite best to brush away the ignorant comments and questions and again, minimized the fact that I could eloquently tackle any small talk and conversation driven by the most educated in the room. Some were accepting, others walked away. I didn't want to offend.

Problem no. 2. What if the little Puerto Rican, with her energy, enthusiasm, commitment, skills and persuasive talents was to excel far beyond peers' expectations? Unheard off.

Recently, and with long, soul searching periods of discernment, prayer and inner reflection, my own culture, language and qualities that define me as who I am, NOT how I am expected to be, have been chipping off pieces of the walls I myself carefully and meticulously built. Being loud is part of me (I get that mostly from the Ortiz side!), especially when I speak Spanish. Hugging is something I do. No, it's something I HAVE to do. We are warm and loving people with NO agendas, people. RELAX. I give a peck on the cheek to my closest friends, as well as my family. Again, RELAX, it's a way of showing we care, that's it.
We love music, we love to dance, we love people and we NEED, I NEED to be around them to be the best I can be. My best version of myself is with people, leading, teaching, learning.

The point of all this, folks, is simple. No matter how many years I may have lived in Ohio, regardless of how much I have called this place home, which has certainly been home,  I will ALWAYS be an island girl. I am sure my fellow Hawaiian peeps can relate, even if they choose to live in Alaska. :)

I have struggled lately by having to stand firm and defend my culture and language. I shouldn't have to. No one should. For the first time in almost 20 years here, I have felt different. Maybe it was always there, duh! :) I mean, I am different. Even growing up, I always felt different. I wanted more, I wanted different things than my friends, my family. I had to give in on a few things, but that never changed the fact that Iwas different. I always wanted MORE!

I now stand, after feeling the most proud representative of my Puerto Rico, standing even taller than ever, owning my Puertorricanness hoping it can still find a place in my adopted Gringolicious home. Another disclaimer: As stated in previous posts, also in defense of my "different-ness" (I think I just made that up!!) I will not use the same culture and language that makes us unique, as a crutch or excuse for this or that. On the contrary, we are assets, we are bi-cultural, bi-lingual and CAN assimilate and appreciate different cultures and expectations BETTER than others can. It's in our DNA, it's who we are as a colonized culture.

In conclusion, I stress that everything written is from a place of love, respect and appreciation of all that has been granted to me in my personal and professional development. Lessons learned about how to be and how not to be, but always, always TRUE to yourself, even if the wake-up calls takes a few hits to the snooze button. :) To be the best version of myself, no matter what language I  have to use to communicate, including Puerto Rican pig latin, HA! ;)

Eventually, people who need people are indeed lucky...

Thank you Barbra, for in your best Fanny Brice, charmingly serenaded the ruffles off Omar Sharif's shirt in Funny Girl you tell us that "people who need people are in the luckiest people in the world."

I couldn't agree more. Some of you out there may concur, some of you not so much. However, if you would have asked me a year ago, I would hesitate a bit. You see, I was ready to embark in a new adventure of the job-changing kind where I was to work virtually, leading a team of professionals located in several call centers across the USA. The task at hand to build employee engagement that would result in retention.

Stationed in Ohio, I worked with engagement "teams" of volunteers for a Fortune 50 company, as I was constantly and quite condescendingly reminded off. The Fortune 50 company way is this, the Fortune 50 company way is that... You get the idea. Well, for a closet introvert, as my "thirties" would tell you I'd become, was totally up for it. OK, I can do this. I have managed volunteers and teams before. Let's plan strategy for engagement, events and let's have fun!

Did I say I'd be stationed in Ohio working virtually with teams all over the nation?? Yes, I had multiple meetings and calls a day with my colleagues, but it was done virtually. Week 1 turned into month 1, then month 3 and by the time month 6 rolled around, I had carpel tunnel in my right arm because I'd spent at least nine and a half hrs a day on my computer and on the phone. I had hardly any face to face, real interaction. The people on the floor where my office was located were all, like me, on the computer, phone headset on, doing their thing. "Good morning!" I'd cheerfully greet everyone I passed by. Nothing... My supervisor who lived an hr away, commuted, but stayed home three days a week and on days we'd have our one on one meetings, she'd stay in her office and call me over the phone. One day I had a bad cough and she asked me not to come in because I'd likely get her sick. Sparing you the details of what came later, you can say that there ended up being not so much positive engagement in the employee engagement world. Why? My theory was because the definition of engagement there had a lot to do with invoices, numbers and orders coming from top down, and not with the "engagement" of people.

I eventually began working from home. I mean, what was the point. Not one person I worked with was physically IN the office. Might was well roll out of bed, make my own coffee and have Hoda and Kathy Lee in the background-no wine, though. ;)

When that adventure (term used loosely and full of sarcasm) wrapped up I took a leap of faith and began working on new projects from home. Loved the classes taking, the planning and writing I was doing, essentially, the work was mine, and I felt productive. Unfortunately, I was starting to feel something huge was missing.

Disclaimer- there is NOTHING wrong with staying home, working from home, or doing "nothing" at home, if that is your choice. It was definitely, NOT for me.

This closet introvert is that: CLOSET introvert. More of an extrovert I began to desperately miss human interaction, actual, interpersonal interaction. Screw the phone, texting, emailing or the use of any other piece of technology available to us mere mortals to hide or shelter physical contact. In a nutshell, and before I went nuts, I realized I am a people person who needed people, who needs people,... Cue Barbra! How lucky I was to wake up from my "stay at home" comfort zone and wave away the fog that had attempted to blind me with thoughts and voices inside my head that justify and glorify the benefits of working on your own, from home. Again, this is MY story. Don't knock it. Some professionals out there have made it, and made it big, while working either alone, of from home. Again, not for me. It was simply too isolating.

I will say one thing, and here's where the true appreciation comes in. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Still basking on the joy of rejoining a real, living and breathing work team, there were voices, presence of certain somebodies, all good people, but too "loud" for my mind and my heart, and even way more opinionated about MY life, career choices, parenting skills, etc. They may all mean well, but quite frankly I had to tune them OUT! I deactivated social media accounts, unplugged everything that needed a chord to stay "alive," turned off ring tones, changed ringtones, deleted ringtones and decided to focus on what was right in front of me: human beings, real people. Just like that I re-committed to tuning out voices and influences outside of my control. The point I want to make is that I put myself on a self-imposed "retreat" and was silent, disconnected and by choice, not interacting with anyone who was not in physical proximity. I was able to reflect, write and read, then relaxed and not stressed in order to peacefully enjoy the here, the now and the moment.

Then a miracle happened... the one app I had not deactivated was Skype. Through Skype calls, three by the same person in one week, I was able to re-connect, talk, laugh and even cry, looking into eyes, smiling in unison. Two people who live thousands of miles away, in countries apart, felt human (albeit visual) contact and that made all the difference...

So, in closing, and acknowledging the occasional need for any person to either work alone, from home, or other wise, disconnect himself/herself from the world if needed to regroup with ONESELF, to first and foremost listen to YOUR voice (internal and external) and be OK with yourself, your life and your own decisions, people need people. At least I do. I am a people person. I love to be around people, to work with people, to see, talk to, touch and laugh with people. And yes, I am one of the lucky ones.

iSe habla español!

I am sure I am not the first fully bilingual person who had an A-HA moment as the one I am embracing at the moment. It may not be as significant to the likes of many out there, but if a certain "bilingues y hasta trilingues" are reading this, I trust they will indeed give me a virtual high five or a fist pump!

Yo hablo español y al que no le gusta, pues, que se puede pedir, ojalá pudiera hablarlo también....
I say that in the most respectful way. I speak Spanish and if you don't like it, sorry, I wish you could speak it too.

Born and raised speaking one language can be hard enough for anyone. I mean, really, who loves grammar lessons at school in ANY language? Having said that, from an early age, I fell hard, hard, in love with the English language.  I would sit for hours watching TV "ien inglés!" and repeat phrases, words, sing songs, memorize then recite full scripts ranging from "Annie" to "Gone With the Wind."

Becoming an English major was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made, allowing me to write and express myself, thoughts, points of view and opinions about a work of fiction, among other things. I was happy, intellectually stimulated and motivated to want more, to thrive and to not settle.

Landing jobs after colleges came easier than expected, having voices inside my head still echoing "You don't belong in the English department. You have no business here." Yet, instead of feeling proud and milking my "bilingués" -I think I just made that one up!- I was determined to be the best English speaker there was. I perfected my accent, boasting I didn't have an accent to speak off and made sure I was not pigeon held as the token Latina like it was job. It was mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically, exhausting--headaches every evening at 6:00 p.m. only to be soothed by Juan Luis Guerra y 4:40 merengue CDs playing in the car. I needed my Spanish. I needed what came naturally to me...

I remember many people pushing and  strongly suggesting ("suggesting" used loosely) that I become the Latina this or the Latina that of any company or organization. I refused, I rebelled. I fought long and hard to make my mark as everything except who I was. What was I? Who am I? A college educated bilingual bad-ass that can relate to people from different cultures with an open mind, can speak and write fluently in two languages and has finally, truly and whole-heartedly appreciated the second language is just that... a second language. The main, primary, mother and native tongue or language is what naturally flows from me... in words, in actions, in mind, in body and soul.

Blessed I have been to travel and lived in many different countries and cultures, lucky to have friends who have taught me to say "I love you" in Swedish as well as in German and French, I now speak Spanish more than English in my day to day.

Whether it is working with a student from Puerto Rico, who needs help filling out a college application or doesn't understand what FAFSA means, or praying along side Doña Cecilia, whose daughter is ill and needs la Virgencita to watch over her, I do it en español.

Being bilingual is a gift I want and need to share with the world. I hope my son some day also realizes the same thing and embraces his roots and language of his parents and every member of his family, regardless how mid-western he may feel. Now, every day, I look forward to finding material to translate, calls to return and interpret, prayers to share, all in Spanish.  Finally!!! Working every day using a God-given talent and ability and NOT keep it to myself. It is my responsibility to use this gift for the benefit of my community, to help my people. Mi gente.

If you need me, se habla español! :)

When asked what is romantic love to you, I answer...

Romantic love can mean many things to different people.  Yes, it can be the Disney fairy tale some of us princesses dream off, or the instant connection made when two eyes meet and with no words to describe, a sensation of comfort, sprinkled with butterflies fluttering inside one's stomach, that sends a signal to your heart,  saying "I like this.  This feels good, keep going."

Love can also be that same feeling of comfort when two people share common thoughts,  goals, values, likes and even dislikes. Sometimes it comes quickly, other times ....with time.

Love has to develop, whether thunderbolt or gradual,  built on a foundation of respect for the other person. With no respect, no relationship lasts. But, let me add that when I speak of respect, it can't only be respect for the other half. I also mean, self - respect. Respecting yourself enough to know right from wrong.  If a person doesn't respect his/herself, one's own thoughts,  feelings and opinions can get lost in the fictional land of "I just want what you want." That same  place, however, can certainly exist,  if and only IF both parties are in true,  whole - heartedly honest about their thoughts,  feelings and opinions and it by providence,  all are in sync to please each other,  in some compromise,  so be it.... buy land and set up shop.

Love is compromise and I can't stress that enough.  Revisiting the same statement above on being honest, that compromise has to either come naturally or in unison,  based on understanding,  conversation and openness if/when there's a disagreement.

No relationship can be one-sided. A relationship, by definition,  includes more than person. Not everyone is the same,  no one is perfect..but how cool is it when two imperfect people find love and common ground to make perfect love. .. and by perfect love I mean whatever it means to them. We are all different and different is good sometimes.

Love is fun... oh so much fun. It is not meant to hurt, but to make you smile from ear to ear and to want to hold the other person's hand, and hug them as often as it's humanly possible.  Love is asking how's your day going or how was it when there's stress in the air.... love is listening to the other person, telling the fun story as well as the serious one.

Love is taking note of those little things that may offend the other person,  and (reference back to honesty and respect) either do them lightly without offense or if the offences take place and it was not meant to be hurtful, own up to it and apologize. There can at times, nothing more loving than an honest apology when due and spoken with heart.  It shows vulnerability,  humanness and responsibility.  A responsibility for the feelings of the other and a responsibility for oneself.

Love is opportunity and not wasting it by not telling those who mean a lot to you how much that is...

Love is taking risks, leaps of faith, with the understanding that the leaps may scrape the knees if falling to fast. If it's worth the fall, jump!

In a nutshell,  I love love,  even when it hurts... I believe in it, in all of it and I pray and hope that as I, like you and many other people, experience a light or severe case of love sicknesses,  we quickly recover with an open heart and a healthy soul to journey on...

David Lee Roth v. Sammy Hagar

In pondering the thought provoking invitation to consider, and also choose which lead singer better suits the infamous rock band, Van Halen,  my conclusion follows.

David Lee Roth, crazy hair, sexy, deep voiced and quite the fun-loving boy represents the youth and discovery years, which for me, were the beginning of my love for MTV, et al. 1984 is probably one of the best albums that represent the 80s generation x's early appreciation of videos and long hair! ;)

While fans had to deal witn the fact that DLR was far too focused on his own ego by becoming "Just a Gigolo", he was somebody and gave us a treat in his solo albums, including introducing a new generation to "California Girls" - thanks Dave. ;)

In comes Sammy Hagar... a raspy voiced,  pseudo beach-bum that could easily pass as a permanent resident of Margaritaville. He also can't drive 55.... but we give me a chance. 

Numbers, numbers, I hate numbers,  and what do we get: 5150. The sound sounds similar... a familiar tone, beautifully married to the sounds of Eddie's electric guitar.  Again, Sammy's raspy voice serenades the hard core fans to "What can't this be love"  and I'm entranced. Next thing you know, I ask for the LP for my birthday. Then.... I discovered "Dreams" and that cemented my role as a fan.

In conclusion.... both singers were perfect for the band at the time they were members...in fhe height of their original  and complimentary popularity. However, to me, DLR represents the young Van Halen, jumping and being  hot for teacher. Sammy is the slightly more mature Van Halen,  giving to us a glimpse of hope, love and dreams, deeper and more meaningful than a spring break in Panama.

My choice is clear... I hope. ;)

2014, it's been real... really.

Perhaps one of my favorite places to spend time at is a coffee shop. In between student counseling sessions, I pause to check Facebook. Everyone posts on how today is the last day of 2014, the last page of the book that is that last year in our lives, and reminders of the opportunity that tomorrow will bring: a new year begins, a new book to start writing the epic novel that is life; a blank canvas to paint a colorful image morphed into something stemmed from our minds and thoughts...

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right??

Here's my third December 31, new year's eve post on my blog.  All three might sound the same if you flip back and read, but I can guarantee one thing: I am not the same person. And that is OK.

This year, 2014, has been quite fascinating. Yes, fascinating is the first word that came to mind. The word is appropriate because it can be both equally, shimmering in all things positive as well as the challenging. Of course, by challenging, I embrace challenges as lessons, needed as they are at first rejected.  Bring them on, for that is how we learn and be better; how I learn and become a better version of myself.

Along with the given (NOT to be taken for granted) blessings in my life, my loved ones and family, my friends, old and new, the year brought with it a reminder of who I am, who I have always been and who I am meant to be. It was a great reminder, that while it may have come with a tiny bit of pain, it has been worth it...

So, what did I remember I had not quite forgotten, but appreciated a reminder about?? ;)
I am in love with education, higher education to be exact. I need intellectual stimulation, so knowledge, you will be nurtured more. I am passionate about sharing my knowledge and experiences with others, students, adults, whoever. I put others' needs before mine and (as the reminder, reminded me) got a little sick along the way... No bueno! ;) Got over it, moving on. Like I wrote on my 40th birthday, it's OK to be a little self-caring at times, and it is NOT being selfish if you need to take care of yourself in other to take care of others. Caso Cerrado!

Careers shifted, passions reignited and risks are being taken. I am a heart-felt, emotional piece of Puerto Ricanness that will NOT omit my natural "me" regardless of where I live and where I work. While I am a careful and meticulous planner, I stepped out my comfort zone and decided to take one day at a time... OMG, it's oh so scary, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I had grown content, complacent and, dare I admit, jaded. That's NOT me. Life is for living, as my Camp Horizons boss always said... Every day is a gift. Every day brings new challenges and blessings, equally...  The question is and will always be... how will I react and handle them?

PAUSE if you need a break if this post turns overly positive. Sorry, but I am not sorry. Positive is what I am, is how I feel and how I need to face the rest of my days, NO MATTER what 2015, or any new day, year, may bring. Is it easy? Hell no. The truth is I HAVE NO CHOICE. Yes, we have a choice in how we react to actions, words, circumstances. My choice is not to have a choice but be positive. I make a promise to you, the world, the Universe and to all that is holy, to face whatever this year brings with the best attitude possible and to channel thoughts through the tunnel of love.  Why?
Why not....

I wish the same to you all.... Let this year be the most positive year, wherever we are, whatever we do, whoever we are. Happy 2015!