I've dreaded and dreaded blogging specifically about a certain topics. They range from immediate family relationships, i,e. mother-daughter and its challenges and blessings, single-motherhood, divorce... there's quite the list I can still tackle, so stay tuned.
After the last few weeks I decided to jump in and hit one of them right in the face. Rest assure, no matter how this particular entry may sound or feel to the reader, I will do my best to add the comedic angles, for truth be told, this is all funnier than it looks.
My best friends will say if you ask them, it's about damn time you started dating, Jess. Well, it's easier said than done, right? Ummm, yeah. You don't just wake up one day and say, OK world, I want to date you. Child, please! ;)
Pause for confessional: I have a very bad habit of always wanting what I often can't have. Call it being determined, goal-oriented. Whatever! It all boils down to having bad taste... or at least for the unavailable and/or overly committed. Gee, I guess that's what I get after years of learning how to tune out the fluff and NOISE in my head, I finally listened to my gut, heart and head and figured out what I really want. Even better, I know what I don't want. Even when I was little, I was the last one to get with the trends... The Hello Kitty pencil box came about a year after the other 1st graders had it. That's OK, no complaints. Moral of the story? Better late than never. :)
Dating sucks! Or at least it may suck for the poor fellas that have not yet had the pleasure of meeting me and spending hopeful, (to some) quality time over a deliciously brewed cup of Joe at the 'bucks. Ok, ok, newsflash in case you didn't get it by now, I have officially started dating. Ugh... ;) It probably took the much needed lecture from my aunt-mother who somehow managed to teleport an imaginary mirror and hold it straight to my face. "You are too picky, you are too serious and and you need to lighten up... and you are too much like..." That did it! Nothing like a little reality check to keep you "in check" and shake things up a bit. Bottom line, I am picky, and I am serious and I don't want to end up alone. Hey, don't blame me for poor decisions, for believing and falling, for getting my heart broken and having no choice but to build walls high up. A wall higher than the beanstalk growing up passed the clouds, housing the castle where Jack's giant has the golden goose. Yes, my walls are THAT high! ;)
STOP. Let's not be too overly melodramatic, even though it's a genetic condition very prominent in my family. ;) Point is I am slowly and carefully chiseling (is that even a word??!) through the wall and are now open to the possibilities. Help us all...
Ha! That brings me to the telling of the tales of dating for me, a no-nonsense mom with a pretty cool (shout out from me to me!) personality, a brain, a zest for knowledge, for culture, for education, spirituality... for MORE to life than what is in front me. Let's now add the poor souls that in writing had somewhat of a decent repertoire of qualities that looked compatible. What then comes out is me with a slight twitch of the eye in baffled amazement when these individuals come clean with the likes of "well, I didn't really go to college, I dropped out" or "um, I am actually married"- GASP! The best one yet "I am not really divorced because I never married the mother of my kids." Seriously, God. This is your grandiose plan for me?! ^(*&(^*$%%#$#%**)_ SMH! LOL
Ok, ok, let's be real here. It may take time, yes. Tic toc away, my dear clock, but remember my overwhelming fear of expiring by the time I am 40. Yikes, it's getting close. Just kiddin' (no, not really, but therapy helps!), it's all good. Life indeed is good. I can't complain about much and if I do, you have permission to call me out on it. I have a handsome son; the best thing that came out of the worse decision I ever made and I wouldn't have it any other way. The work environment I am blessed to be in is part of my being and my vocation and I wouldn't have it any other way. My friends are my life-line, my heart and my soul and I wouldn't have it any other way. My family made me who I am and I wouldn't have it any other way. My personal life, well, that's the part I wouldn't mind tweaking and would indeed like to have things be another way. For that, I have to wait a bit, I guess. One day at a time, I am told and remember, for the impatient chica in me, that is the challenge.
I wish you could see me as I write this, for I am in a very good space and by no means expressing myself from a negative, sad place. Life is good, indeed it is. It would just be a little bit better if I could hang out with the likes of the tall, nerdy looking intellectuals, who are as funny as they are smart, like sports (basketball/baseball preferably, football if I must..!) and challenge me as much as they support, encourage and love me, just the way I am. He is out there, right, God? I know he is. Tic toc! ;)