Thursday, December 12, 2013

If I could turn back time... but make TODAY count!

"...If I can find the way, I'd take back those words that hurt you... " No, this is not quote your favorite Cher song moment. However, admit it, you are all humming it now and picturing the skanky, risqué, sequenced, see-through black outfit she wore in the video... Classic! :)

Don't we sometimes wish we could turn back time. Don't we want to be back to the age of 8 this time of the year, sit down and write Santa a letter of all the the toys you want? Don't we wish we could have Christmas morning be as magical as it was then... If I could turn back time.

Perhaps if we could go back to high school we would pay a little more attention to the teacher, listen with more attentive ears to the geometry tutor (that's a whole different blog!) and actually care about how stretching in gym class IS good for you and necessary for your health. I DO regret that one, for my back could use major stretching to re-adjust every morning! I wish I could have also not eaten the extra strawberry i-cee from the school snack bar, because that, along with the chips and the extra Cornuts on the side, only ballooned me to chubby stage that took (and has taken) years to get over: the comments, not the taste of the food. ;) Although I admit, I have not touched a Cornut ever since high school. If I could turn back time.

I had a couple of best friends growing up. We were very close, lived in the same neighborhood. I wish I would have done a better job at keeping in touch. We connected again a few years ago, but, maybe, if I made a little bit more effort, we'd be closer still. If I could turn back time.

If only I could talk to my mother now. She died. She was sick. I was twelve. So many conversations that, even though I feel at times we do indeed have, it is only in my dreams. I should have hugged her more. I should have learned at a very young age to say "I love you" to my loved ones... for this is perhaps one of the most life and soul-saving skills I only developed as an adult. I should have told her I loved her. I never did. If I could turn back time.

I am not perfect. None of us is... but in my quest and obsession to be the good, slightly "perfect" daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, girlfriend, mother, wife, whatever, I forgot to be ME. I have, I think, learned to accept a lot about who people are, others, about myself. I have hurt some of my most beloved partners in crime and I don't mean to... for by trying to be who they want, who they need, I forget to be me. It backfires. I forget how people are complicated and perfectly imperfect, like me, and it's frustrating. I must remember to keep my self in -check. Let, love and accept people are who they are, for what they are and what they bring to this world... what they bring to me. For they compliment me and if it reflects back... WIN.

For many years I felt a bit like things in life were out of my control. Maybe they were. What I have learned recently is that I had been living in some kind of fog, waiting, waiting and waiting some more for someone to clear it for me to get out. In a way, the more I tried to get out I felt stuck. Then, recently, and thanks for a very loud "here we go again!!!" I realized I was treading water, so to speak, or walking in circles, still inside the fog.  When the "here we go again" happened, I chuckled because I couldn't believe it... Seriously, THIS? AGAIN? Carajo!  That's when I looked across the living room and saw an image, two eyes stared back at me in defiance, almost saying "No, you can't, you are stuck." Well, at that moment, I stopped, stretched my back (see, I remembered gym class!), stood up straight and stared right back and said: This is MY life and I am in control.  I can decide when to have a conversation if I need to, but if I need to wait, I will... I can make a decision, carefully and patiently analyzed and not worry about what others will say, if it's the best thing for me (and the kid!),  or decide HOW to react if a reaction is in order as a result of some one's actions.

In this season of Advent... waiting, hoping to celebrate Christmas, my wish for you, my lesson NOW, based on lessons from times past, is to indeed learn and respect from that past, live the present with appreciation for what's in front of you and make your future YOURS!

I wish I could have learned a lot of this years ago... If I could turn back time. At least I can  say I did TODAY!

PS. To my family and loved ones I don't say I LOVE YOU enough, I just did!

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