For a couple of years now I have toyed with the idea of bloggin, heck, for writing. I thought I was an OK writer, but never really felt confident enough to actually write something and let another person read, particularly, critique. A number of life experiences led me to write and after getting a very supportive "yes, you CAN write" by a former college professor, I penned my first reflection paper.
Fast-forward and today's first official blog post is a result of a long afternoon of challenging conversations with many, many, many people and a collection of recent memories that seem to clash in my head and create a perfect storm. Here it is... my lesson for the day, my conversation with God.
Seriously, God, seriously???
A million thoughts in my head and that voice, yes, that one, tells me, write it out. Well, where to start? Seriously, God, cut me some slack!
Now those reading this may wonder, what is she talking about? What now? Well, sorry to dissappoint, but it's not one thing, it's a plethora, a potpourri, a cluster "f..." of moments lived, experienced and heart felt emotions mixed in with rationalizing and attempts on decision making... LAAAAWWDD! How do we balance the heart and the head? How do we, I, find that "happy place" in which I can agree to disagree with my own thoughts, which will lead then (let's hope)_to making the right decision. Well, I guess God has a sense of humor, a very sarcastic, dry and often bitter sense of humor. It must be humor, because some of these tests should make us laugh at the end, right? Shouldn't they? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
My current cause of disarray is relationships. Ah, the complexity of people, human beings, or as I'd like to call them at this moment, insane, self-centered, bodies of mass that are so deliciously appealing, pulling on your heart-strings and playing the ivory keys of your emotions to their heart's delight, just to turn around and cast you aside like this morning's paper and pretend they never read the pages of your soul of your, of your heart. And yet, you are so attracted to them you can't stand it; you can't stand to walk away, to say good-bye forever, to cast THEM aside and say I am done with you. Why not, I ask myself? Seriousy, God? Why not?
Perhaps the answer isn't in the "why not" but maybe the answer is... maybe... sometimes... later. For now, we learn from them. Huh??? Seriously? Why would I want to be in the same room with a person who doesn't care? Why should I work as hard as the co-worker who doesn't love what they do? Why should I be the one to carry the load? The voice, yes, that one again, says..."because they are dressed up as lessons." Lessons are suppose to be, dare I say, pleasant and while some of us were'nt in love with school and homework, aren't you suppose to feel better when you "learn a lesson?
------Pause for dramatic effect---------- or should I say SLAP in the face in a very "Loretta-ish" (cue Moonstruck): SNAP OUT OF IT!
In conversations with some of those same self-centered, the world-revolves around me, insane people, that I admit to love and respect (most of the time!;)) I have to admit to occassionally learning a thing or two. From the mean person, I have learned to be kind; from the dishonest co-worker, I learned to tell the truth at all costs; from the confused, I have learned to pray for them and their confusion; from the loyal leader, I have learned perseverance and to lead with the heart; from the stern and often cold, I have learned to smile in his/her presence. From the shallow and empty, I have learned not to make things about me, but about what's best for the community. From many of these people and experiences, I have learned what not to do and how not to be... Breakthrough!
Wow... If I could only remember this all day, every day. But it's not that simple, is it? So, what's the conclusion of this stream of consciousness, semi-confession without details, but full of underline passive-aggressive jabs? That no one said life was easy and people are not easy to figure out. Let me be the first to own that I can count with one hand those people who really know me. They may say I am "all of the above" -and that's ok. Lord, am I reaching that "age" where I am finally figuring things out?? Dammmmmm, it's about time. But, God, seriously? Are you there? I know you are. Just, if I may, let me ask for one more teenie-tiny thing to conclude this note. I ask, in thanksgiving, for the patience that I so need, but have been granted, in order to embrace these wonderfully, selfish and not-so-kind teachers in life. Because of them I am a better person..