Eat, pray, love... be happy, just do it!

Another month goes by and I come closer to 40! It's coming, looming around the corner, when in my mind I still think I am a few years younger. Yes, I do feel like I am closer to 30, not 40, except for the much needed extra dose of anti-wrinkle cream and lower back pain. It's OK, if all else fails, I will spend a lovely evening happy hour with my besties from UD, AND a few days later, spend a glorious week at home with my loves.

If all else fails... Hmmm, "all" better not fail, as I quickly shush the negative thought in my mind and replace it with "IT ALL will work out for the BEST!"

The last few months have been trying, I will not sugarcoat it. A jump on an opportunity to challenge and educate me has turned into daily soul-sucking, stress induced chaos, with no leadership, vision. The misleading red flags so obvious since the beginning, now flow in my face, mocking my idealistic and Pollyanna-ish "it's just me, it'll be all be fine" optimism.  With time, I told myself every morning, after a prayer of thanksgiving and gratitude for all I have, "it's just me, it'll all be fine."

Well, fast forward to yesterday, as I have to make an abrupt turn into Urgent Care before being sent to the ER for chest pains. The pressure was unbearable, and unfortunately, becoming a reoccurring incident, culminating in making a decision: fix it, do something about it, now, instead of hearing my voice, again,  whisper "it's just me, it'll all be fine."  Really, when? When the panic attack actually becomes the real deal? I don't think so... Life, MY life, is mine and mine only to treasure, guard with all my power and protect against the crazies that try to create unwanted drama and chaos around me.

Admittedly, I could have done a better job at wearing my bullet proof vest more often. I should have spoken up earlier--that's a tiny, little pattern I am working on-- and put a stop at the ludicrous behavior around me that can only be credited with providing sleepless nights and mood swings. Booo, I don't like myself like that. YUCK, I sound like other people I know. NO, I refuse to be like that or to turn into that person.

Health update: it's not cardiac, it's all, ALL, 100% stress related, which caused the anxiety/panic attack. Remedy: decompress...  Easier said than done, right? How many of you have been told the same thing by your family doctor, or therapist, spouse, best friend. I wish I could just take a month off... do people even do that? ;)

Well, I am starting with baby steps... and a good talking to by friends and family that remind me (especially when I feel like I am facing the world alone) that I am loved and appreciated. Prayer and meditation have been true blessings. Time heals everything, so I decided to also be patient (ha, that's a joke for those who know me!) and take one day at a time.

None of this I learned overnight as I put into practice my newly prescribed recipe for de-stressing. I have been blessed with resources, mostly in person, along with some books and tools to help with stress...

Without going on and on with this entry, I will highlight perhaps a book that has defined a turning point in my "self-care" discovery. "Eat, Pray, Love"  has been described as a woman's life's story from a very selfish and self-centered point of view. Well, newsflash, call me selfish and self-centered.

In a way, the hard way, the painful way, I have had to learn how to take care of me, myself, my soul, my heart, so I can be the smart, loving, professional, spiritual and faith-filled woman I have become. It does not come naturally, and it's not easy at times. My point is that in the novel, Liz gives everything up to go on a journey of self-discovery in order to self-care and heal. Throughout it, she learned to forgive and by forgiving others, she forgave herself for being too hard on her own self. Aren't we sometimes too hard on ourselves? Don't we criticize our looks, our skills (or lack thereof) our reactions to circumstances??  We must STOP. We need to love ourselves, and like ourselves, and laugh at ourselves, and appreciate all that makes us ourselves, US. :) When we master that art of self-love the revelation: we are all special and unique in our ways and being at peace, living in peace and in Divine Order, chaos and drama will slide off ourselves and not penetrate the shell of love that surrounds us. I am working on it.. can't wait. :)

It's late and I have homework to do (no, really, I do!)... but the best part is that it has everything to do with my passion, love and commitment to working with students in their journey to becoming professionals. That makes me happy...I "eat, pray, and love" - hehehe- working with students.

I have gone on quite a journey as I come closer to reaching the 40 milestone... and I look forward to the next 40 by finally realizing that self-care is not selfish or self-centered, it's nourishing of heart, body and soul AND, it's survival . Go out and eat, pray and love... be happy! :)

PS. Nothing is more important that your own inner peace and happiness. ;)

For love of the game... ;)

Apparently the first week in September, not only symbolizes the start of fall, Labor Day quickly remind those of us who reside in the good ol' US of A, that summer is over, but also that our summer TV routines, or lack there of, will now change. Catastrophic isn't it? Depends on how you look at it...

According to every other TV and radio ad/commercial and your Facebook newsfeed, disrespectfully saturated by status reports from friends, who aren't really friends, because what they are telling the world about is none other than the mere fact that football season is upon us...

Pause for dramatic reaction, which in my case, is silent... or perhaps, more along the lines of a womp womp.

Sorry, dears. I know, I know, the pigskin lovin', gridiron testosterone induced man-handling, is quite entertaining. Don't get me wrong, I have had to sit myself down and attempt to figure out what the point is.

After many attempts to follow wholeheartedly, I give up, while still smiling. The reason for the smile is to see and witness the unexplainable joy in the fan's face. At times it's my former roommates, my aunt or other friends who simply love a good football game. Me? Well, meh... I am content with celebrating vicariously through my friends' eyes and when it comes to football, that's enough for me...

Of course, disclaimer follows. Many of you may agree and feel the same way I feel about football. However, perhaps others among you would agree with my sentiments, say, about baseball or basketball. GASP. How can that be? LOL  Well, bring it on. Thank goodness, we all have the liberty to choose to root for and become the no. 1 fan team or sport X ever had. 

As long as I can remember, I have loved baseball. If any of you out there ever need someone to go to a game with or don't mind the often annoying sound of my voice when I yell at the TV (yes, I am holler at the TV kind-a girl), I am your gal. Hit me up and it will be fun, even if it's watching it on TV. From the 1986 Mets, to the 1998-99 Yankees, on to the Colorado Rockies, now "home" to St. Louis and my Cardinals, and a new found rising star in Toronto, our Japanese friend Kawasaki--if you have not done so, watch on YouTube interviews with Kawasaki. He is hilarious! For as long as I can remember, I have loved baseball. :)

From the rising excitement of spring training, to Opening Day, and holiday fireworks, to All Star Games and home run derbies, infield fly balls and double plays. From managers' hand signals and gestures, to tobacco chewing pitchers, Tim McCarvers and Keith Hernandez, sigh - first crush, a girl can't help herself. May we all enjoy a 7th inning stretch as this summer comes to an end and remember the days of pop corn, hotdogs and Bud Light, pretzels and peanuts, and cracker jacks. Let's root, root, root for the home team...

And, with a loud and obvious duh... as a proud, born and raised Puerto Rican, may the spirit of Roberto Clemente, who would have turned 80 this year, live on in the lives of our players who make us proud every day on and off the field.

So, football... come on, take over fall as you should. We get it. However, this girl loves her summer sport, maybe just like the next, and will patiently observe how the season ends and post-season fun begins. I haven't rooted too loud this summer, but that doesn't mean I was not watching.

PS. I will write about basketball and college hoops, my other favorite team sport where my commentary can provide as much entertainment from the bleachers (or the living room, or bar, or restaurant) as the players can on the court. ;)

Serving a colorful bowl of everything...

Yesterday's morning was brisk, cool and sunny with very low humidity.  It felt like fall. The first thought, quickly embraced in the feeling of joy, bringing a smile to my face, only to be abruptly erased because of the obvious next one...  I love fall, yet it only leads to winter. Womp womp.
Oh well, we will deal... :)

Cue the plethora of thoughts, i.e. a cornucopia, potpourri or alphabet soup of your choice. Thanks to the simple advice of a fellow academic, after complaining of suffering from writer's block, here I am. Writing...

Oh my, James Bond was just betrayed (or so he thinks!) by loyal M and the new Q looks like he graduated from high school. SMH. Where's John Cleese? At least he was funny, in his best Monty Python way, adding a bit of humor to the British sarcastic wit that comes with the legendary innovator. ---Clarification: Skyfall is playing in the background. I had to catch up with agent 007, for I lost track of him when he suddenly turned blonde again... Ah, but what a relief. He still sports his classic Walther PPK, although he has not yet ordered a vodka martini, shaken, NOT stirred.

Focus now, or you all will start questioning or not I have ADD... Mmmmaybe?! ;)

There is absolutely no rhyme or reason for this post, other than I felt like writing and there are many thoughts sprinting inside my head as if they were training for the Chicago marathon.

Isn't it hard sometimes to pick one thought to focus on? Only one feeling to experience and live? One moment or memory to remember? So many things in our lives are connected and seem almost impossible to separate and certainly, isolate. While we, as individuals often feel the need for isolation, perhaps for the sake of reflection, we are all connected. Hence, my current A-HA moment!

It's OK to feel different feelings at the same time, and OK to mix emotions. For example, one moment you are delighted while "virtually" celebrating a friend's birthday, immediately you switch to feeling sad because you are not there in person. It's OK. It's part of life. It's all connected.

No, the A-HA moment was not the realization itself, but the sense of peace, yes another emotion, added to the already colorful bowl of everything going through a heart and mind. It's OK. It's part of life, it's all connected... and I am OK with it. In other words, at this very moment, I sit typing this entry, while the kid is upstairs reading his new Marvel superhero book, I am feeling all kinds of things: proud as a mom, loved as a girlfriend, challenged as a daughter, supported as a friend and intellectually stimulated as a student of everything life and school has to offer.

I hope you all have the blessing to compartmentalize if you have the need; to isolate while connecting for your own peace of mind;  to embrace what comes, and celebrate the intricacies that every day, the simplest or complex days, may bring. And that you do all of this with an open heart and from a place of love. 

May all this help you enjoy a colorful bowl of everything as a new week begins... ;)

Standing on Platform 39 and 3/4

As I wrapped up the day, which happens to be July 14, a historical day in Paris, also commonly known as Bastille Day, I came to only one basic and simple, yet thought provoking conclusion: today is my kid brother's birthday and if he is turning 38, this only means I will be 40 come November. GASP! ;)

Can I tell you that a few years ago I whole-heatedly believed that turning 40 would manifest the end of all existence for me, my own personified expiration date. I had other plan Bs in the works tucked away, just in case. Never the less, I am happy to report that I have not, nor will NOT expire on the 7th of November. On the contrary, I will celebrate life to the fullest. :)

I will toast my mother, who did not make it to 40, but now lives in eternal youth as a 36 yr old. I will celebrate my father and all that makes him unique in his gifts to the world. I will celebrate my brother- a toast to him today- and all the lovely (and not so lovely) memories of a childhood filled with laughter and Star Wars.

More than anything, though, as I begin this inventory of my life as a soon -to-be 40 yr old, I wanted to blog by perhaps over stating the obvious: saying thank you...

Thank you God, Jesus, Alah, Buddah, She-ra, He-man, Zeus and whoever is responsible for us mere mortals to walk this Earth... thank you...

For sunsets and sunrises... on the beach and in the mountains. 

For fire that keeps us warm at night and ice that cools the heat in the summer months.

For the beach and the ocean, the waves and the sound, as they crash on the reef.

For schools, and books and people and places. Teachers all when some don't consider themselves educators, for we all learn something new even when we don't realize it.

For new opportunities in life and work... new doors, windows (insert whatever opening you want to use here!) or follow yellow brick roads that will lead you to your destiny, or new homes, old home, home-homes, OZ. ;)  Don't forget to some times take the road less traveled... it may just make all the difference.

For laughter, for jokes and for the ability to NOT take life so seriously. To laugh at ourselves and to laugh WITH others and not AT others.

For patience and faith in those who turned their backs on us when we most needed them. For them, I smile, to them, I say hello, for the memories of the positive will always outweigh the negative.

For our kids, who grow up so fast and overnight remind us it's their turn to fly. We must do as our parents did for us... stand back and watch, with breathless, yet unconditional love and support.

For new love, hope and the chance we give ourselves at opening that very heart that has been on lockdown with a key that was cast away at sea. Thank goodness we found a way to make a copy of that key and unlock it again so it can receive and give love once more...

Finally, I am so grateful for the ability to let of go of stuff... yeah, just stuff that hung out and hovered, only to bring drama and sadness to my life. Be gone... bye bye, Life is so good, I am just letting it be and letting go of all that does not bring any joy to it. :) Life is really short, people. I was 12 yesterday, then this morning I was 21 and graduating from college. Now I am about to turn 40?? WTF?? ;)

There... not too bad for a Monday night. As I stand at Platform 39 and 3/4 waiting for my train so I can board on route to 40-Ville, I smile. To think I almost got caught in the griminess of daily stress. I stop...  Smile again... and say thank you. :)

It's OK. Let it go...

Too many thoughts in my head. Where to start, I wonder.

Do I projectile vomit (sorry for the visual) and rant on the week's events like there's no ending in sight? Believe me, like the person next to me, stress and heartache can come in every shape and size to make your living life a bit difficult at times. NO. We, I, will not dwell on that.  Why? Because it's not worth it.

We can spend our energy thinking and processing every minute of every hour analyzing and re-analyzing our very thoughts, behavior and choice of words. Exhausting, isn't it? I am tired just writing this sentence already. I admit I am sounding more like my last blog post on worrying. In other words and to recap, let's not worry about the worries of this past week.

Instead, let's focus on the positive. I for one am proud to own having embraced a new concept. It's like an old lesson we are taught early in life but we don't really appreciate or get until our mature years: the novel concept of letting go. Ha! Groundbreaking, right? ;) Well, for me it is, in a way. I have voluntarily let go of far more things than usual in the past few weeks, thanks to the help of my awesome spiritual healer, who reminded me of a few items in my luggage, pardon me, baggage, I should have let go a LONG time ago.

What have I let go you may be asking. Yeah, OK, OK, I'll tell you a few.. not all, for some are between me and my peeps "upstairs." My hope with this entry is, not for me to use it as a way of over expressing my own stuff, but to hopefully, be able to relate to many of you as fellow travelers in this incredible journey that is called life.

Ready? Here we go... I have let go of over- analyzing things. Whether it's the morning traffic, the overworked co-worked, the mean boss or the misunderstood friend, things happen. They happen and they have nothing to do with you. So why over-analyze it. Why stress about it. If you know it has nothing to do with you, or whatever is happening it is due to circumstances beyond your control, let it go. It's not you, it's that or them. Let it go.

I have let go of fear... well, not 100%, but I am getting much better at it. I mean, are we ever that brave that we are not afraid of anything in life? Some might be. I think I have been at times. All I know is that I am getting better at it. If you are afraid of something, face it. Look at it in the face, own it, live through it. Believe me, you will live to tell the tale. I have faced rejection, insecurity, pain and loss, being judged and hurt. I have had to look at it in the face. The walls and shield built to protect myself, my heart, my soul have been there in moments of need. Thank you Scarlett O'Hara. But, occasionally, the walls and shield must come down. The best thing to do after facing such fears: let it go, let them go.

INSERT commentary for comic relief here: If you are not singing or at least humming Frozen's "Let it Go" by now I will be sorely disappointed. ;)

I have had to let you of people. This is probably the hardest one, but most necessary at times. Isn't it painful to know, see, and live experiences with people who help shape who you are, yet walk away from you when life changes? Again, whether it's you that changes, circumstances, jobs, relationships, it bites. The people that perhaps were part of your support network, closest confidants and allies when turmoil was non-existent, suddenly find themselves on the opposite side of everything you hold dear. Why? Because something changed... What do you do? You fight to save the relationships, naturally, because you care. You search high and low for solutions. You over extend your welcome because in your mind you believe that will make it all better. Over and over again you knock on the door, yet no one answers. What then?

Let it go.. Let them go... For it, they, let go of you a long time ago. You just couldn't and didn't want to face it.

I huge weight lifts off your shoulders (certainly did off mine!!) when our little voice inside us said, in it's most stern, but loving, perhaps motherly way, "just do your thing and let go what you can't control anymore." The voice continues to say, in the most encouraging way, "believe in you, be YOU, what you are meant to be, do what you are meant to DO and let go of the rest."

Let's celebrate the gifts we bring to the world, to each other, and be OK with letting go of those elements of life, be it material or human, that do not add joy, blessings, support, and love to our lives...  If it's not right, if it's not bringing peace and life, and FUN, to you, to me, it's OK... let it go.

Why? Don't!

Today I hiked, again, and it was wonderful. Ok, not so wonderful because I was by myself. Don't get me wrong, I love going hiking alone. It is a gift, an opportunity; an open invitation to have a conversation with God, yes, YOU above, or yourself, or nature...  Lately, though I have been going hiking along, and while that is all good, no matter how many photos I take and no matter how many uploads I make, it's not quite the same as sharing the scenery,  the view, the moment, with another person.  Oh well.. No worries, right? We deal. :)

One of the coolest things, experiences, dare I say moments in time where you change a bit for the better, I discerned about and processed today. This week was hectic, stressful and challenging to say the least, but an evening of reflection, conversation, affirmation and forgiveness, made all the difference.  Sorry, I won't share all the details. Let's just say, a friend helped me reflect and process life experiences and milestones, which in prayer and meditation, provided me with a simple reminder: why worry about what has yet to happen... yet to come, when we, I, don't know if it will happen?

It made me pause and think. I know, I am getting deep, so go get a glass of wine! ;)

I am a planner. I don't know when it started, but as long as I can remember, I have planned...I love calendars, especially, mapping them out months at a time. Exhausting, isn't it. How about you? I know there are a lot of planners out there. Here's the issue... We plan for what we think will happen, what we expect to happen... Sometimes it does indeed happen; sometimes it doesn't.  When whatever happens, a trip, a project due date, an invitation actually manifests itself in real time, we feel accomplished, fulfilled, complete. If that "something" we have been planning for doesn't happen, we are disappointed, sad, depressed, a little broken. Why?

Why do we worry about what may happen, or may not? Why do we worry for what we think is what should-a, could-a, would-a happen? Don't!

This week I was reminded of how much energy, time, and pieces of ourselves, spiritually and emotionally, we loose when we worry about the future. Who cares right? Well, we do. We, planners, do. What's going to happen in my new job? In my relationship? Am I going to be able to provide for my son when he needs me the most? The answer to these questions is often "maybe, yes, maybe, no" or who cares, or it doesn't matter.

What matters is today. Are you healthy? Yes. Are the kids healthy? Yes. Are they happy? Yes. Have you been able to provide? Yes. Do you have a job and a home, and people who love you, around you? Yes! Yes, and yes! Although, I'd like more of my loved ones to be closer in proximity, I know they are with me, in my heart.

So, to sum it all up, I am learning and accepting that I can't control many things that will come. I have to be open to them, at peace with myself, my life and confident that everything will be ok. Because why worry. Don't.  Today, I hiked on a beautiful trail, processed my day, gave thanks for friends and mentors who love and appreciate me and felt a little sad that I couldn't be with those who need me the most because of distance. You know who you are... I love you.

Let's let go of worry. It is most unwelcome in our lives. Unfortunately, it brings stress when there shouldn't be any. So why?  Why??  Don't... Just don't. Everything is going to be alright.

Get out!

A few weeks since my last post and a lot has happened.

I could post about my last days working in higher education, after 15 years as a committed and passionate advocate for all things education, especially when it comes to values and educating for mission. That's who I was educated to be; my formation as an adult and professional. That's it for now, for I could write a book (and I will when the time is right!) about my journey navigating the fulfilling, yet often rough seas of Catholic higher education. 

I could write about my baby cousin, little sister, almost daughter (to her chagrin!) graduating from my Alma Mater and place I, we, called home and all that came with the momentous occasion. A family reunion years in the making, memory making moments only certain chosen ones will truly appreciate and the peace that comes with being around those who love you unconditionally. Pause for teary eye moment...

I could write about the incredibly special kayaking adventure exploring a former naval base on the south east coast of Puerto Rico. What a site to see. The docks, the bridges and enormous steel structures that would harbor vessels of war created to maintain order, dare I say peace, in our world. All there, all rusted and covered in algae, empty and quietly magnificently, still standing. A bit of a ghost town, where a large airplane runway grows weeds where once carriers flew in and out of. The Navy left and now there's nothing...---insert unsolicited political statement here---. Please remember all I am reporting is what I saw and the little that I know, watching from the sidelines. What came to our minds, as two explorers watching in marvel of the site before us, were questions? How sad that this space, this land and real estate is empty. Why have government officials let this happen? There are reason, I know... Research that made more damage than good, moral implications of what was happening, locally and nationally as a reason for the base's mere existence. Again, I don't know the details and certainly don't plan to cast judgment or blame. I saw an opportunity for a small town in my lovely island to grow its economy. How sad that reality is different. I could write about all that but I will stop now. Instead secretly and quietly whispering a prayer for the little town of Ceiba, Puerto Rico, that is more along the lines of "I wish Richard Branson would by the place." ;)

I could write about the last two weeks experiencing somewhat of a quick mourning period for a work environment and receive a rude awakening for a new one. The pace in my new work space in insane, but wasn't I craving that? Yes, I was. I am doer and boy am I doing. My days fly by and my learning curve slowly shrinks. My pace, I must re-adjust, for there is no "later" in this place.

What I will write this beautifully sunny, Memorial Day weekend morning, as I sit outside (and fight the glare so I can type this accurately!), finally wearing shorts, a tank, is much more simple, easy and often taken for granted. Being outside...

Yesterday, the kid and I drove a few miles south to a park and arboretum and hiked a bit. I had not realized how close we were to these trails. It was a lovely couple of hours of just being. I looked up and the sky was blue.. you know, the bright, clear baby blue that makes you smile. It had rained so the green was as bright and alive as one can describe and along with the butterflies you couldn't help but want to fly around everywhere and take it all in.

After we came home we sat outside. I love my backyard. With much love and TLC from the most devoted care-taker (not me!) my backyard has quickly become my favorite part of my house. The living room and the couch were no. 1 for years... now they settle into a comfortable no.2. I take my book and sit outside, swing on the hammock (when the kids shares) or sit at the pit waiting to decide if it will be a good night for a fire. I can only say "thank you" and I am blessed. 

Spring has come and almost gone and summer is finally knocking on the door. After surviving the worst winter in my life living in Ohio, I am grateful to live in a place where one can experience all four seasons. It is pretty cool to see the changes in the colors, feel of the wind, even the snow on the ground... I don't know how many more winters like last one I will be able to endure, but for now, today, on a sunny and 75 degree day, I am not staying indoors. :)

As I quickly close this post, I remember a few errands I need to run. YES! I get to go outside.

In a nutshell, if you can, get out and hike. If you like, get out and bike. If you swim, go find a lake. If you are alive GO OUT AND LIVE! :)